8/23 Issue: Cheeseburger Barbie

[Svartfreja]

Timelined for the same day and a few hours after [Issue]Part of the Job.

<Carol> Carol hated fund raisers, as a rule. There were a lot of obnoxious rich people you had to smile and make nice with. And usually she was doing this without supervision so it was really hard not to say some of the inside things out loud especially without a wonderful alcohol buffer. But today she could laugh about it because she had company and company was well behind that wonderful alcohol buffer.

<Shinobi> Technically, as a Shaw, he was one of those obnoxious rich people, so Obi was in his element. He had to admit, Tony knew how to throw a party, even if he wasn't here for it. "Too bad Tony is busy playing house. If he put in an appearance this fund raiser would have at least fifty percent more fun."

<Carol> "Maybe we should call Beth and get her Tony-lite over here," she suggested, at least inflatable Tony didn't come with a side order of deadly crazy.

<Shinobi> "I'm almost tempted to tell you to do it, which I think is more of a testament to how much I've had to drink than anything else," he laughed.

<Carol> "It'd be a great way to test how much alcohol everyone else has had... see if we can get more money for Tony's charity... and Beth could get instagram pictures. What's not to like?" she offered a grin, "Did you know she went to an actual tailor to get suits for that thing? That's dedication."

<Shinobi> "What? No!? That's... crazy, and brilliant!" He shook his head, taking a drink. "Wonder if we can pass it off as the real thing, just dead drunk?"

<Carol> She laughed, shaking her head, "I mean, I'd buy it... at least until I saw the pictures online the next day but by then it'd be too late for the crazy old rich people... and you know Tony would be backing this plan all the way."

<Shinobi> "Tony absolutely would back this. He might even play dead as a stand-in for the doll if he was in the right mood."

<Carol> "Let Beth float him around with a glass of scotch? That's like his ideal party. Doesn't have to talk to anyone and gets to drink his own weight in expensive liquor."

<Shinobi> "That is his ideal party," he laughed. "That's everyone's idea of a good time." Obi nodded at an old man he vaguely recognized from the Hellfire Club. "See?" he whispered when the man passed by.

<Carol> "If I was on my own, that guy would have shuffled right on over here and talked to my boobs for twenty minutes so, thanks for that."

<Shinobi> Obi nearly lost it laughing into his drink. "You're welcome," he sputtered.

<Carol> She laughed and patted him on the shoulder, "I'm very grateful. This hasn't been nearly as bad as these things usually are - you're helping divert most of the creepy guys. I totally owe you."

<Shinobi> "I'll keep that in mind," he said, only half realizing it sounded kind of sleazy. "Consider me your extraneous bodyguard."

<Carol> "At least until you fall over and take a nap," she nodded, "At some point the really creepy ones will have had enough alcohol that they don't care anymore and'll come over here... it's then when I like to leave."

<Shinobi> "I won't nap," he protested. "I'm on duty!"

<Carol> She laughed and patted his shoulder, "Okay, bodyguard. Shall we go look for snacks?"

<Shinobi> "I'm a fan of snacks," he agreed, falling into step with her. "Although this crowd leans toward weird hors d'oeuvres than anything else."

<Carol> "Yep... which is unfortunate. But it's okay because there'll be places with real food open later that we can go to afterward, this is just for now... quantity is important." But she had to also watch that because people would be looking at her. Sigh.

<Shinobi> "So we hit Taco Bell after this, gotcha." He chuckled into his drink and casually stepped between her and another older man.

<Carol> "We could go to actual Mexico for real tacos..." she pointed out, "But fast food is faster."

<Shinobi> "Definitely faster," he agreed, trying to decide if she was joking or not.

<Carol> Carol never joked about food. She picked up a couple of the ridiculous miniature foods on offer to try. Sometimes they weren't so bad... but alcohol probably made them much more appetising.

<Shinobi> Alcohol definitely made them more appatising, as Obi picked up several more than a few.

<Carol> At least Obi didn't have to worry about talking to people with his mouth full of canapes. Most of the talking to people was thankfully over and she wasn't expected to give any kind of speech at this event, thank god. So they just had to survive a little longer until it was okay to leave without seeming ungrateful or whatever. She decided, while it was quiet, to take some pictures for the team's social media people to use.

<Shinobi> Obi gave the guy he'd blocked a grin around his cucumber sandwich or whatever the hell he was eating. It didn't taste like much, but it was something to pad the alcohol.

<Carol> "You wanna be in a picture for the team's social media?" Carol asked him, tapping him on the shoulder.

<Shinobi> "Sure? It's nice to feel included, even if I am just an extraneous bodyguard." He swallowed his tidbit down with another drink.

<Carol> She laughed, "Maybe if Fury sees I've taken to recuiting you to protect me he might be nice next time and actually assign someone to come with me to these things," she raised her phone, "Try to not look too drunk!"

<Shinobi> He closed one eye and leaned slightly. "Like this?" Chuckling, he straightened up. "If he can stop laughing his ass off at the idea of me protecting you."

<Carol> "You can protect people great... not me, obviously because I don't need that kind of protection, but you could do it. And you're doing great at deflecting the old creepers. No complaints here." She gave him a grin as she took a few pictures so the PR people had options.

<Shinobi> "Well, then maybe I should moonlight for SHIELD, or join the X-Men," he laughed. "Fending off creepers is just fun."

<Carol> "If you moonlight for SHIELD or the X-Men that would make me the boss of you," she pointed out, deciding that was enough pictures for the PR people or... "Hm... I suppose I need one with me in it... you know, proof I showed up..."

<Shinobi> "Want me to take your pic? Or enlist a creeper?" He grinned. "Or, less fun, a waiter. Would I have to call you boss? Or your majesty or something?"

<Carol> She laughed, offering him the phone, "You can take it unless you wanna be in it... and I prefer 'Sir'."

<Shinobi> "Sir, huh?" He held out his hand for the phone, a half dozen inappropriate responses bouncing through his head.

<Carol> "It's preferable to being 'Ma'am'ed everywhere," She shrugged a shoulder, moving to stand near one of the event displays for added proof she was actually there. "Being 'Ma'am'ed makes me feel old."

<Shinobi> Obi could only smirk as he lined up the photo. "Yes, ma'am."

<Carol> Oooh he was in trouble now, but she managed to school her features for the photo... then she finger-gunned him right in the forehead.

<Shinobi> He'd phased just enough to dull the blow without frying her phone, or his in his pocket, then laughed. "You knew I'd do it."

<Carol> "Uh-huh and you knew I'd do that," she smirked, holding her hand out for the return of her phone, "It's not that unusual to Sir a woman in the military... and most people that meet me already know not to Ma'am me by reputation."

<Shinobi> "I'm not most people, which you also knew." He returned the phone and took another drink from his glass. "I wouldn't know about the military, since I don't do well with authority."

<Carol> "You don't? I never would have guessed," she gave him a grin, "I'm not the best with authority either but at least the way I do it I make it look good."

<Shinobi> "You're lucky Fury likes more than a little sass in his agents." He smirked at her over his glass. "I'm lucky I've never had to bow for many people, not once I became recognized as a Shaw."

<Carol> "Oh Fury loves the sass. Means you're good under pressure. It's less appropriate in the Air Force where I started... at least to your CO."

<Shinobi> "Yeah, I can imagine. It's also less appropriate with my father, but that rarely stopped me."

<Carol> "Nah. He likes the sass too. You've met Jess, right?"

<Shinobi> "He likes it rather less when it comes from me," he laughed, looking down into his glass and finding it empty. He'd have to remedy that.

<Carol> "Then I guess you were lucky Jess adopted you. I was lucky I was awesome at everything they told me to do so they couldn't really kick me out..." she caught him eyeing his empty glass, "Wanna get out of here and eat some real food?"

<Shinobi> "That'd probably be the smarter thing to do, but no one ever accused me of being terribly smart." He looked back up at her. "I'm ready to go when you are."

<Carol> "You're a lawyer - you gotta have some brains in there somewhere... maybe not much because you chose corporate law..." she teased with a grin, "Come on, I'll get us a ride..."

<Shinobi> "Yeah, well, presidential pardon or not, assassins generally aren't recommended for criminal law," he chuckled, setting his empty on a passing tray.

<Carol> "Didn't wanna be a prosecutor? Legal aid lawyer? Too spicy Mr Vanilla?" She signalled to one of the staff that they were leaving so they could get a car pulled around for them.

<Shinobi> "Too many painful reminders of the past," he said, heaving a heavily sarcastic sigh, realizing he probably reeked of scotch the moment he did it.

<Carol> "Aww, never mind. I guess it's a life of boredom for you then, huh? Sucks to be you. You wanna rethink that moonlighting as an X-Man thing?" she offered him a hand on the stoop as the car pulled up.

<Shinobi> He made a noise and offered his to her instead. "No need to emasculate me any further, sir."

<Carol> She giggled and took his hand, giving it a tug which may or may not have been to deliberately knock him off balance a little bit, "It's fun, I promise."

<Shinobi> "For you, yes." He staggered a little and tsked her again.

<Carol> "You don't like the thought of punching badguys in the face and throwing them in jail? People who deserve it? What about going to places that need help and doing that?" She paused to look at him before she got into the car, "None of that appeals?"

<Shinobi> "Are you recruiting through affirmative action? Need more male team members to balance things out?" He climbed into the car, taking a quick look around for photographers before he got in.

<Carol> She laughed, "I think if anyone wants that to happen, Bobby'd be pushing this harder than me. I guess I just don't get the lure of the desk job... I mean, I had a desk job in DC. I hated it."

<Shinobi> "It's not just a desk job. It's also a courtroom job." He grinned, looking out the window at the busy street.

<Carol> "See that sounds even more tedious. All those people thinking they're gonna outsmart you and you can't even punch them in the face. That is not a fun time."

<Shinobi> "You can verbally punch them, so it's a different kind of fun," he said, looking back at her.

<Carol> "I prefer literally punching... it's more satisfying," she crossed her legs then leaned to ask the driver to take them to somewhere with real food.

<Shinobi> Obi let his eyes wander over her long legs for just a moment before mentally slapping himself. "The hero thing is more Hope's calling than mine," he mused.

<Carol> "I don't know about that..." she slid back into the seat properly and straightend up, "She got that inventing bug."

<Shinobi> "Yeah, but she dropped the inventing like a hot potato when she could go on a mission impossible with David." His mouth twisted a little and he sighed.

<Carol> "Yeah... but until then she was happy working all the time... so makes me think it was more of a David thing than a superheroics thing..." she frowned, reaching over to take his hand and give it a squeeze, "Sorry..."

<Shinobi> "Yeah, who knows." He gave her a wan smile and returned the squeeze. "Maybe I should try it out. It'd surprise the hell out of her." Of course, the annoying news coverage hadn't made her break cover, so...

<Carol> "Yeah get some cool stories to tell her when she comes back and make her sad she missed you being awesome," she returned the smile with a more hopeful one of her own.

<Shinobi> "Well, being awesome is up for debate, at least in superheroics." He ventured a more real smile and raised their hands, to give hers another squeeze before he let go. "I'll think about it."

<Carol> "You can't tell me it didn't make you feel a little bit good to help all those people escape in that other reality shithole," she added as a bonus incentive, folding her hands in her lap. "You did great... and you know how to be stealthy which is more than I can say for a lot of the people that Xavier trained at his superhero university."

<Shinobi> "My powers tend to lend themselves to understatement," he said, making a face at the memory of the other world. "That Arcade reminded me far too much of Essex and Apocalypse."

<Carol> "Yeah... the worst part about it is thinking there might be a version of him in our own reality..." she frowned, "I hate that that's the first place my brain goes."

<Shinobi> "Has SHIELD thought to actually investigate that avenue, or is this your personal nightmare?" He turned to face her, imagining that lunatic in their world. Again.

<Carol> "Oh no, that's just a me thing... I mean, I brought it up to Fury so I guess SHIELD probably put him on a watchlist or something..." maybe she should follow up on that. "I worry about a lot of stuff..."

<Shinobi> "That seems like the kind of thing to worry about. We don't need another reality-warping maniac on the loose." He watched her as she sat there and worried. Attractively.

<Carol> "Exactly... like all the other stuff I worry about," she gave him a half smile, "It's my job to worry about this stuff."

<Shinobi> "What a great job," he deadpanned, returning the crooked smile. "What else are you worrying about now?"

<Carol> She laughed, "That's a leadership position for you. All worry." She sighed, tipping her head back to stare at the ceiling of the car for a moment while she ordered all the things in her brain. "I'm worried about the election and what'll happen to the team if Osborn wins... I'm worried about where the fuck Hope is with David right now... Worried about Tony, Bobby, you." She turned her head to look at him for a moment before turning her attention back to the ceiling.

<Carol> "I'm worried about how the rest of the team are doing when I'm not there. Worried about Andi and Beth and Tandy and whether or not they're making friends because they're kind of loners... especially Beth and her weird relationship with the inflatable version of your father in law... Worried about what'll happen if Rogue gets all mad at me again... Worried about my kid... Worried the Brood might come back..."

<Carol> "That enough or shall I keep going?" She looked at him again, "The list is looooong and it gets longer every day."

<Shinobi> "Wow, that's... quite the list. Why are you worried about me? I'm sitting right here, perfectly alive and safe and kind of drunk."

<Carol> "Why do you think I worry about you?" she raised an eyebrow, "After everything we've talked about the past few months? You know me... I'm not always worried that something bad's gonna happen... not unless there's a specific threat or whatever..." like those stupid press drones, "But I care about you... so I worry that you're okay and coping and what happens when I go and you're in the house all on your own every day..."

<Shinobi> "Well when I'm in the house on my own I'm usually working, so that's pretty non-threatening," he laughed.

<Carol> "I know... but that's not what I mean either..." she reached to pat his knee. He had had too much scotch for this conversation. "I'm probably just worrying too much... I'm good at that." Or doing that projecting thing. Maybe both.

<Shinobi> "If you're worried about my mental state, I am too. I miss my wife, but I'm not planning to do anything stupid. I'll just... wait. On the sidelines. In the dark. Yep, that's me."

<Carol> "I wish I could do something... I hate not being able to fix this..." she sighed, "So far the only thing SHIELD has that's kinda weird is happening in Madripoor but it's way too loud to be David and Hope... And it's always kind of a mess over there so the running theory is it's another coup." She shook it off, "I know there's like... nothing... but if you ever think of something I can do to help, let me know, okay? Any time day or night. Even if you just want to talk or watch tv with someone."

<Shinobi> "It's nice just having you around. Makes the house feel less empty, and I get exciting surprise guests, like Tony, and Rogue, and the sleazier half of the media."

<Carol> She laughed, "Yeah I think most people would consider the surprise guests a good reason to kick me out. I'll stay as long as you want... or I guess until someone else tells you to kick me out."

<Shinobi> "Like Tony?" He just laughed. "He's not the boss of me."

<Carol> "Tony, Fury, probably also your dad at some point... Jess also probably at some point..." she wrinkled her nose, "I don't wanna make life difficult for you..."

<Shinobi> "I've always been good at making life difficult for myself." He gave her a slight smile.

<Carol> "Then we should definitely not share a house in case our skills in that department merge into a black hole of self destruction..." her nose wrinkled, "I just... I don't want you to suffer because of something I did or didn't do and I'm really bad at telling the difference between those things..."

<Shinobi> "You're really thinking about it way too much." Shaking his head, he looked back out the window. "I'm not worried about it."

<Carol> "We just talked about how I worry about everything... I know I overanalyse stuff but I can't help it..." she sighed and listed sideways to lean against him, "It's what makes the not drinking so hard..."

<Shinobi> "You did a great job not drinking tonight. I think I drank enough for both of us." He looked back at the weight against him and smiled to himself. "I know it's hard not to overthink things sometime."

<Carol> "You're still talking in complete sentences, you're fine," she assured him with a small grin, her expression shifting as he continued, "Try all the time... I'm always second guessing everything... just no one notices because it's kind of my job to be all confident and whatever..."

<Shinobi> "The dangers of being the boss lady, sir ma'am," he smirked, waiting for the zap.

<Carol> She laughed, reaching up to ruffle his hair instead of employing the finger gun, "I like it really... I mean... I'd hate it if it was someone else... so I guess that's close enough."

<Shinobi> "So I get a special pass on the courtesy titles? Good to know." He laughed, running a hand through his hair to resettle it.

<Carol> "You get a pass because I like you," she messed up his hair again, "Also I'm not the boss of you, remember? So you don't need to courtesy title me anything."

<Shinobi> He tried to duck her hand but failed, laughing instead. "Maybe you could be the boss of me. I'll think about that X-Men thing. Or maybe I can be on the reserve roster?"

<Carol> "I feel like the whole team is the reserve roster... everyone has a day job except me... or I guess this is my day job now," she gestured at her dress, "Yay PR..." her tone lacked any enthusiasm.

<Shinobi> "Well, if it's any consolation, you look amazing." He let his eyes wander for a moment, then sat up and cleared his throat, remembering that was a terrible idea.

<Carol> She lifted her head from his shoulder when he moved and sat up herself, feeling a blush heat her cheeks. She laughed it off, "Thanks... I hate it."

<Shinobi> "You shouldn't." Why was he still talking? Why?

<Carol> She raised an eyebrow, "I shouldn't? Why not? It's not very me..."

<Shinobi> He winced at himself. "I... don't listen to me, I'm drunk."

<Carol> "Does that mean I can continue to hate dressing up like this and feeling like Air Force Barbie?"

<Shinobi> "Air Force Barbie." He cackled and then stopped when he looked at her face.

<Carol> She wrinkled her nose at him, "I didn't think about it too hard until Jean found out I had all this stuff and wanted to play dress up..."

<Shinobi> "I'm just saying, even if you don't like it... other people might? You, uh, said you were trying to date, right?"

<Carol> "Yeeeeah but I want people to date me not... whatever this is..." she sighed, "But, I get it... me is scary."

<Shinobi> "Not scary, but... the nerd shirts are gonna attract a certain type. If that's what you want, I guess that's good."

<Carol> "I like the shy nerdy type," she laughed, "One of the women I went on a date with is exactly that... but there's also the hilarious complication that makes it five hundred times more adorable."

<Shinobi> "Complication?" He wondered if that meant she saw him as the shy and nerdy type. He wasn't sure how he felt about that at all.

<Carol> "Yeah... Andi has this symbiotic bond with another lifeform that SHIELD is still really low on details about... her name is Silence and man... she does not live up to that," she shook her head, grinning with remembered amusement, "She has no filter and no respect for Andi's private thoughts so that's a whole thing... And we have to keep reminding her she shouldn't eat people."

<Shinobi> "...shouldn't... eat people?" Obi turned again to look at her, expression as horrified as to be expected.

<Carol> "Just the ones that piss her off... I mean, I can totally understand the sentiment. I have to remind myself all the time I can't punch everyone with a punchable face..."

<Shinobi> "And you have a cat with a tentacle mouth, who also presumably can eat people on your behalf," he reminded her.

<Carol> "I do have one of those..." she nodded, "I should really call my mom and ask about that..." she frowned a little before shaking it off, "Anyway, the point is... Silence is hilarious entirely by accident and you should meet her."

<Shinobi> "I don't know about that. Is she going to try to eat me?"

<Carol> She laughed, "Nah... and if she did I'd climb right in there to pull you out so don't worry about it. She likes me. I buy her pizza."

<Shinobi> Climb right in there. Why was he not comforted. "Well, that's good to know."

<Carol> His tone made her laugh again, "Don't worry, if I didn't think Andi had a good level of influence on Silence, she wouldn't be living at the asylum. She's perfectly safe, I'm just messing with you."

<Shinobi> "Also good to know," he said, giving her a healthy side eye before he chuckled.

<Carol> "You should really be used to that by now," she teased, "I do it all the time. You take way too much of what I say seriously."

<Shinobi> "It's a self defense mechanism. Hope doesn't joke." He thought about that for a moment. "And neither does my father."

<Carol> This was a lightbulb moment for Carol, "Oooooh now the lawyer thing makes sense..."

<Shinobi> "...because lawyers have no sense of humor?" He have her a flat look.

<Carol> She laughed, "Noooo just that you're used to navigating the world of no sense of humour. It's your comfort zone."

<Shinobi> "Oh. Well, that's definitely true," he said with a little chuckle. "I'm definitely used to the humorless."

<Carol> "I'm used to that too... the military is like that... but I use humour to make the really bad stuff seem not so bad... it's my defence mechanism... and there's kind of a pranking culture in the military..."

<Shinobi> "So, no jokes unless practical for the military," he said with a smirk. "As far as joking about the bad stuff, I can understand that." Hadn't he already named himself an assassin tonight? He hadn't done much else to brag about, after all.

<Carol> "Downtime in the military often involves two things: pranks or daring each other to do stuff you probably shouldn't... or eat or drink stuff you probably shouldn't. I stand by my record there though. It's impressive," she offered a grin.

<Shinobi> "So you're prone to take a good dare, huh? Duly noted." Not that he was the type to generally try to get others to take a dare, but hey. "How about your best story?"

<Carol> "I have a lot of stories... what kind of story you looking for?"

<Shinobi> "I don't know. The best one! Or at least, the most personally embarrassing."

<Carol> "Oh you want that story..." she laughed, leaning back into the seat, "I guess I can let you in on the joke..."

<Shinobi> "Oh, well this has to be good then," he said, turning in the seat to face her and glancing toward their driver on the other side of the blackened screen.

<Carol> "Okay..." she shifted to face him a little too, "So, way back in flight school. Before they put you in a jet that can break the sound barrier they put you in a machine that spins you around and around to make sure you can handle the g-forces. I'm sure you've seen them on tv."

<Shinobi> "Yeah? Did you barf? I'm not ashamed to say I probably would," he laughed.

<Carol> "Yep," she nodded, "I probably wouldn't have but I didn't know we'd be doing that right after lunch so yeah... and that's how my Air Force callsign became 'cheese burger'. That, by the way, is privileged information. Don't go spreading it around."

<Shinobi> "Oh, ouch!" He cackled, rocking a little with laughter. After a moment, he caught his breath and shook his head. "Well, I feel privileged," he gasped.

<Carol> She laughed, "Steven used to drag it out every time he thought my ego needed some checking."

<Shinobi> "I feel for whoever has to clean that centrifuge thing on a regular basis."

<Carol> "That would be the cadets. You get all the bad jobs. So we clean up our own messes... Not a fun time."

<Shinobi> "Yet another reason I'm glad I never had the chance or inclination to be in the military."

<Carol> "Well, for me, it was the college or no college situation... and then I got it in my head to fly and that was that. Never really had my feet all the way on the ground so it turned out to be a good fit."

<Shinobi> "Yeah, well, when you can fly it's kind of hard to do," he smirked. "I don't fly, but it's close enough in a pinch."

<Carol> "Well, I didn't know I could fly without a plane for a while," she pointed out, "But now I can do both... definitely easier to take passengers with a plane."

<Shinobi> "Being carried is not ideal," he agreed with a chuckle.

<Carol> "And I have only one pair of hands unlike Heather who can just grow new ones when she feels like it," she nodded, "But really, any vaguely bucket shaped object will do for carrying people... just some things are more comfortable - like seats."

<Shinobi> "Nevermind the indignity of being shoved in a giant bucket."

<Carol> "I think people are less concerned about dignity in an emergency... I mean, I'd hope... but then there's people like your dad..."

<Shinobi> "Oh yeah, he'd hate it with a seething rage. I'd just complain about it." He gave her a bright grin.

<Carol> "Complaining about it is easier to deal with, I can just offer to drop you," she grinned back, "Is it bad that the idea of seething rage just makes me want to need to do that sometime...?"

<Shinobi> "He wouldn't do anything except get more and more imperious, and he might like getting dropped, considering."

<Carol> "Oh I wouldn't drop him... unless it was into something super gross."

<Shinobi> Obi just laughed, then paused to look at her with a raised brow. "Would you drop me, or just threaten to?"

<Carol> "If I answer that question, I have no power over you and where would that leave me? At the mercy of your complaining. I'm gonna plead the fifth."

<Shinobi> He tsked at her, shaking his head, then laughed. "I'm gonna need more scotch for this then."

<Carol> "Does scotch work with Mexican adjacent fast food?" Of course it did. It worked with everything.

<Shinobi> "Of course it does. Although tequila might be more in theme."

<Carol> "Nu-uh. Tequila is a social drink, so you can't be the only one drinking that." The car finally pulled to a stop, "So it'll be fast food with scotch and a view or nothing for you."

<Shinobi> "Tacos and scotch - midnight snack of champions."

[Esynthia]

I enjoy sober Carol dealing with drunk Obi. XD