"Good-Enough" Marriages

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fourpawsonthefloor
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"Good-Enough" Marriages

Post by fourpawsonthefloor »

While I hate the label, this concept is one that I've held for a while.

I know that years back there was this over-romantic ideas of what 'true love' was like. In my opinion it's just gotten worse. People seem to think and fully expect to find these 'princes/princesses'. Real life isn't like that. And that's ok.

I think it's like the mad quest for wealth and possessions that we see too. You can't be content if nothing is ever 'enough'. Often, contentment is more of a matter of changing your perspective than aquiring the 'perfect' thing or mate.

And ladies, lets face it. Those fantasy men are fantasies for a reason. 'Real' men while at times baffling and frusterating (and at times gross), are still great guys. Honey if you want someone that will truly understand what the hell you mean when you say something without flat out saying it, that's what you have girlfriends for.

And men, same thing - real ladies have muffin tops, saggy boobs, bitchy hormonal days and everything. We are confusing. We want you to read our minds at times.

Marriage is a lot of work. Think of any close relationship you've had in your life where you lived with someone (parent, sibling, roommate), remember all the fights you've had with them, and there you are - that's marriage. Only in this case, you are generally sleeping with them, so there is that extra dimension :). However if you go into marriage expecting this story book romantic thing...you are in for a rude wake up call. There are moments of these for sure, but there are also moments when dinging their head in with a frying pan really looks appealing too. And not in a cutesy 'we work it out in a couple of hours and have great makeup sex' way.

Many of you will know the story of how my husband and I spent the first 2-3 months of our relationship when I moved in with him fighting like cats in a sack. You know what it was over? How the toilet paper went on the damn spindle. I'm talking fights that would end up with him or me on the couch for 2-3 nights. Learning to coexist with each other wasn't a cake walk, but it was well worth it. 11 yrs married this april - we've been together for 14.

Once you find that groove - marriage (or living together) is great. It's just real life, and real life is where you wanna be.

So...what is your guys' perception of marriage? What do you think/expect/find?
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Post by Elfdame »

First, I have to warn everybody that I am Ms. Traditional Church Lady, so if that offends anyone ... sorry.

I sooo agree with the article, marriage is not a movie, it's a way to keep society functioning (looking at it from an anthropological point of view thru the lens of Western Judeo-Christian history). To me, romance is when you lose a small business deposit of several hundred dollars and your husband (who owns the business) says, "Well, that was yesterday and today is a new day." {{{{shimmery, glimmery *sigh*}}}} THAT, my friends, is true love, and it doesn't happen every day.

Aretha (The Queen Now & Forever!!!) said it best: R-E-S-P-E-C-T! If you respect your mate, and admire him, and it is returned, that's a great marriage. Power struggles eat a marriage alive from the inside out, like the Brood. (heh, had to put X-men reference) I think kids (and geezers) don't understand that twinkly lustful feelings are okay, but it's respect that fuels and holds together a marital partnership. And women and men need to learn to show respect in the way the other understands it. (That's HARD!)


Elfdame's blunt slant: If you aren't perfect, don't expect a perfect partner. If women went into it with the attitude: "I am not perfect, so I shouldn't expect Prince Charming either," it would enable her to see her mate with compassion and help him grow, and vice versa.

I always said I'd **NEVER** get married, but God had other plans and boy howdy am I glad He did! I like to think of my hubby as "Mr. Almost Perfect." Silly, yes, but it encapsulates the idea: someone great, but as flawed as I am. EVERY DAY, I think many, many times how fortunate I am to have what Westley and Buttercup had ... oh, wait, they aren't really real, hmmm ... well, anyway, to have someone who puts up with my cr*p and still encourages me. And when he drags his tired buns home from work everyday, there is someone waiting who cares that he made it through the day.

Thank you, Paws, for posting this topic.
"Humanity is a parade of fools, and I am at the front of it, twirling a baton." From Chapter 9 of _Brother Odd_ by Dean Koontz / from Chapter 10: "Life you can evade; death you cannot."

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fourpawsonthefloor
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"Good-Enough" Marriages

Post by fourpawsonthefloor »

Yes! Mutual respect is very important. It goes hand in hand with ditching that 'have to win/be right' attitude. Also...if you want something to change, you need to take that first step, rather than expecting them to do it. You reap what you sow and all that. So if you don't toss a huff when he smashes that $200 peice of art of yours, when you rear end someone, hopefully that will come right back to you ;).

This does NOT mean putting up with abusive behaviours. Those are always unacceptable and you should have firm boundaries of respect. But everyone's gonna screw up now and then in the heat of the moment, and accepting that with grace sometimes, even if it drives you nuts, is often the best thing you can do.
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Post by wingyding »

I'm big on the opinion of 'marriage is for people who want to get married.' This meaning that you shouldn't be pressured to get hitched by people just because they think it's the right thing to do to preserve society. Not everyone got married in years of yore, and not everyone is going to now. And it's not going to kill anyone.

That said, marriage isn't perfect. Never has been, never will be. If and when I ever get hitched, I'm not looking for someone perfect, cause it's not going to happen. It's just one of the wonderful ways we know we're human, not :sage -ish. ((my own little joke.)) but seriously. A perfect marriage might happen, but chances are it won't be for you. Or me. or anyone either of us know well. Cause once you're married to someone, or live with people who are married, you start to see all the little things that you didn't know irritated you until NOW.
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Post by Elfdame »

BOOOIIINNNGGG!! That's my Reality Alarm going off. I am soooo glad to find someone else who understands that marriage is a calling, not a requirement or an entitlement. Americans act as if they HAVE to have this fairy-tale marriage, but in reality there are tons of ways (remember, I'm Ms. Traditional Church Lady) to have a positive impact in the world as a single. I am an introvert (and a basic jack@ss), but even so I had lots of friends/acquaintances and plenty to do as a single person. I did not feel *cheated* or less of a woman because I didn't have a husband. (I am dying to stick in my favourite line from "Airplane" here.)

"Cause once you're married to someone, or live with people who are married, you start to see all the little things that you didn't know irritated you until NOW. "
Oh, and especially about oneself. Lord, I knew I was a reject from the manners factory, but living with a man and his four kids totally made me realize how much polishing I needed. Oy vey!!!
"Humanity is a parade of fools, and I am at the front of it, twirling a baton." From Chapter 9 of _Brother Odd_ by Dean Koontz / from Chapter 10: "Life you can evade; death you cannot."

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"Good-Enough" Marriages

Post by Scumfish »

Speaking as a bloke, and a bloke about to be hitched....

Marraige is, for me, one hell of a big hairy prospect. I never, ever wanted to married, EVER, due to personal issues, but here I am, right at the edge of it, and tbh I've never ever been so happy.

I'm pretty old-fashioned when it comes to things like marraige - I proposed properly (the second time round, rather then the drunken 'marry me?' I did the first time ><) and, luckily for me, learnt early on the whole 'respect' deal.

I've always been very respectful towards women within my own moralistic abilities, so luckily that kinda helped when Pup moved in with me, but I still had a long way to go before I could learn that I wasn't nesseccarily right ALL the time. (See, I admitted it, Pup :P) Luckily I was a fast learner.

I think I never really had that fairy-tale expectation of marraige because of what I've been through and what I've seen, and I've always had a very cynical view on relationships in general, so I never had this hard fall with Pup - to be honest, it's almost the opposite. This is almost like a fairy tale to me, almost like I've been picked up, rather then let down, by learning to live (i hate coexist) with someone who knows me for all my nasty little faults and still loves me unconditionally for who I am and what I've done.

Not to say we don't have our spats, but they're usually sorted before any real damage has been done. Mostly coz I don't have a sofa to sleep on and damnit the floor's cold :LOL

But yes. Just throwing my tuppence in here to say that yeah, while there ain't really any such thing as a 'perfect' relationship, there is such a thing as a fairy-tale ending. It's all down to perspective, and I'm going to be grossly cute and say right here and now that I have my fairy-tale ^_^
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"Good-Enough" Marriages

Post by Angelique »

I never liked the idea of weddings as "fairy-tale endings." I much prefer to think of them as "where the adventure really begins."

I remember an episode of an old TV show in which the protagonist tries to write a romance novel while her boyfriend orders dinner. She has her Fabio-character sweeping the heroine off her feet and going on about how irresistible she is and how he'd slay dragons for her, in the process realizing herself just how much she appreciates that her much less Fabio-like boyfriend cares enough to remember what her favorite pizza topping is.

And just think about being stranded on a desert island. Chemistry's great for keeping warm at night, but will it help when you need a hunting partner, a nurse, or a botanist?

I've also held the view that there is no such thing as a marriage that works. The only successful marriages are the ones the couples work together to maintain.
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Post by GreenLanternGrl »

Even though I have never been marrried, nor am I close to marriage. I'll take a whack at this post. :).

You know I honestly thought that there was such a thing as "the perfect guy" up until recently. What can I say? Society brainwashes people. It wasnt until I saw an article on aol talking about how if "the guy" youre dating makes you happy 80% of the time...then your relationship is ok, that I begun to think "hey, maybe 80% is ok. Maybe he doesnt HAVE to be perfect for me."


[Edited on 8/4/08 by GreenLanternGrl]
* GreenLanternGrl gets defensive of star
no one touches star
-.-
Awwww
* sage huggles star
* Josh touches star...
* Starfish is huggled and touched
* rachel glomps Star
o.o
and glomped
stop all that touching!
xD
Hee
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