The Demon in The attic

[Arcane-angel]

Okay before you get any Idea's this is not about the What if comic Staring Michael Darkholme. It's actually an Evolution Story.
Alright for any of those still there. This is my spin on kitty meeting Kurt. Also my spin on Kitty in general. heh heh. Hope you like it. (also my grammer sucks so any mistakes you spot don't hesitate to tell me

The Demon in The Attic


Kitty took her first steps into her new home; Xavior's school for gifted youngsters. The place was pretty quiet for a boarding house. But she was told that she was the fourth student to be enrolled here. That made her fell kinda special.

To boldly go where no man has gone before!

Oh, yeah, she was going to have to lay off the comicbooks.

"Like, Hello?" Her voice echoed through the empty house. Oh yeah, there's a good welcome.

"Is zere anysing I can help you viz, faulein?" A heavily accented voice answered her.

"Um, yeah, My name's Kitty. I'm, like, the new student here," She looked towards the top of the stairs for the german voice. He looked close to her age. He was tall with shoulder length dark hair. His eyes were equally dark and mysterious, as if hiding something. His face, reminded her of a mask. Though, she couldn't quite place why.

Hmmm.

"I'll tell ze professor your here," And as he said that a blast of smoke and brimestone filled the air.

And....he was gone.

It wasn't long before the good Professor wheeled in, "Ah, Kitty, welcome the Institute."

The people at the institute were nice. Scott was cute but stiff. Jean was nice but really REALLY perky. And Kurt seemed sweet but painfully shy.

Kurt stared at her alot, too. Like he's never been so close to a girl before. But with his level of shyness its not all surprizing.

Jean showed her to her room. It was a pretty good size. The same as most boarding schools would have. After Kitty got unpacked, though, she was instantly bored.

"A whole mansion and nothing to do!!!" Kitty screamed to no one. No one to talk to either.

Man that sucks.

~~

"Hmm... an attic," Kitty thought, "I wonder whats up there..." Kitty climbed up the ladder that was left open and looked around inside. Plants, flowers, it was like an inside garden. It was all she could tell until she could find a light switch, so she started to feel around the walls.

Then she heard whistling. Someone was in there.

It was the tune of an old song that she had heard on an oldies radio station that her dad listened to. She moved closer to him. The floor creaked underneath her and the figure turned around in surprize.

Its eyes glowed like a monster.

So Kitty done the only reasonable thing that she could think of.

She screamed and ran.

Kitty ran as fast as she could to her room. Slaming and locking the door shut as she got there.

"Okay Kitty, Theres like, a monster in the attic of this place. calm down. Yeah right like, thats gonna help," She started to pace around her room, "Maybe that monster is a mutant that's so scarey he has to like, be put up there," She stopped to repeat what she just said. Then, she hit herself, "Whatever! Its gotta be a monster or some kind of demon haunting this place!"

Kitty didn't like that answer much, but if she went to the Professor or anyone else at the Institute they would without a doubt think she was nuts. She was going to have to deal with it herself. She could do it she told herself. She was an X-man! She could go up against any evil villian! Even if it took her all night she would rid the house of any evil!

Then, she yawned. Jetlag had caught up with her.

*Old music played in the background. Countess Kitty stared in amazment at the beautifull Ball in front of her. Everyone in the land wanted to court her.

But Kittys intrest was elsewhere.

There was a Handsome man in the back. His face was hidin in the shadows but she could tell he was a looker. She made her way and pushed passed everyone else untill she came to her mystery man. He bowed and offered his hand. She took it and they danced. It was bliss.

When they stopped she demanded to know who her wonderful dream date was. Then his eyes glowed.

It was the monster.*

Kitty woke up with a start. She was still in her room. Her clock read 11:30. It was an hour since she'd fallen asleep. Then she remembered her mission. She had a demon to exorcise!

She eventually found her way back to the attic door. Armed with a makeshift cardboard cross she tugged on the string to pull down the ladder and climbed up.

Its was pitch black like it was an hour ago. She could barely make out the plants and flowers. This time she didn't bother to look for a lightswitch either. She needed every edge she could get against the demon in the attic.

She made her way over to a window to get some light from the full moon outside. She couldn't see in the dark.

Then something in the distance creaked. Kitty turned around, "Hello?"

Silence.

"Is anyone there?" She tried again.

This time there was a "thump" sound. Like something hitting the ground and then an "uugh..."

"Come out! I know your there!" Maybe it was the monster. She could get the X-men up here in a sec if it tried to attack her. But what's the fun in that?

She could take it down herself.

"It's just me, fraulein," Came a voice in reply, "No need to be startled...."

That voice.....It sounded familiar.....It was the german boy, Kurt. What was he doing up here? Why was his voice so jumpy? "Kurt what's the matter? Are you okay?" Kitty asked walking closer to the voice.

"Nuzings vrong, keety. No need to come any closer."

"Kurt, you have to get out of here. Theres, like, this Monster lurking about, with creepy yellow eyes that, like, glow in the dark"

".....yes I know" Kurt seemed scared know.

"Oh My-- It didn't hurt you did it?"

"....no," Now his voice sounded hurt.

"Kurt, whats going on?" Kitty took another step.

"Stay Back!!!!" He yelled.

Kitty jumped back, startled by the usually shy and quiet boy's outburst. Something was definatly wrong. Maybe the monster had him as a hostage and he was just trying to protect her.

But where were the yellow eyes?

Unheading the jumpy teens warning, she took another step towards him.

There was a soft wimper in the background, towards kurt's direction.

Was that Kurt? Maybe the monster really does have him. What if he's at the edge of his life? Maybe she could take it down. Of course she could! She's an X-man, now!! Kitty, now more confident that she could kick some serious monster ass, walked closer to where Kurts voice came from.

She was barefooted so when her foot came down on something long and furry, she recoiled with a yelp. The attic rang with a inhumane howl of pain. Kitty jumped clear acrossed the attic and ran into a table knocking over all the plants, sending them crashing to the ground, shattering with impact.

Kitty felt something wet run down her arm.

Blood.

She would have cursed if she wasn't staring at the yellow glowing eyes looking staight at her. The eyes rushed to her coming inches from her face and took her arm. She could feel the unhuman fur against against her skin. She snatched her hand away and tryed to back up only to realize the ground was littered with shattered clay. Not a good idea.

"Please stay still, I von't hurt you. I have some first aid training," The eyes were the monster's but the voice was Kurt's. Wait....The overly shyness. Hiding in the dark.

Kurt was the monster.

How could that be possible? Kurt. Shy, quiet, scared, Kurt! A monster! So Kitty did the one thing any fifthteen year old girl with super-powers who read one to many Star Wars comics would do.

"OH MY GAWD!!! YOUR THE MONSTER!!!!"

Kurt dropped kittys arm and jumped back. His eyes glowed sullen and regretfull.

This confused her. If Kurt was a monster.....why was he scared? Shouldn't she be the one cowering with fear?

After a few minutes Kurt recovered and continued fixing her arm. His hands shook as he did.

"Zere, all better," A part of his shirt acted as a bandage for her. She looked at him and them at the cut.

"Is this some kind of joke?" Kitty asked purely confused as to why a 'monster' would help her.

"Vas? No.....I just--"

"You pocessed Kurt didn't you! Your some kind of demon body snatcher!!!!"

"No I--" Kurt started to shake fearfully, "It's me, Kurt. I know I don't look like it but--"

"No! I won't beleive a monster you Bodysnatcher!! What did you do with the real Kurt!?!?" Kitty snatched him by the shoulders and started to shake him violently,"Kurt fight it! Don't let him steal your body!! It's kinda cute!" She added that last bit as motivation.

Kurt held on to her shoulders, looked her straight in the eye and said, "Keety, I AM ze real Kurt....vait....you think I'm cute?"

He wasn't lieing. He honestly wasn't lieing.

"Oh my god," Was all she could say.

Kurt's arms dropped to his side as he let out slow sullen sigh. He shook his head and muttered to himself in German.

And Kitty was still confused.

"What the hell happened to you!?" She finally said, "What are you!?" She added.

"I'm a mutant just like you....vell not like you. But I am a mutant nonzeless," He wouldn't make eye contact with her again, "Just a very different one."

Okay, so she was right the first time, "Come into the light so I can see you better," Kitty walked to the light of the full moon emitting from the attic window and motioned for him to come.

Kurt stepped reluctantly over to her.

She could make out his face. His face was covered in a dark blue fur and his ears were pointed like an elf. He had a long ropey tail that swished behind him when he moved. She realized thats what she stepped on.

He took a three fingured hand and ran it through his hair nervously. His feet and legs resembled a cats eccept he had only two toes.

Kurt decided to break the disturbing silence, "Vell?"

Kitty couldn't say anything right away. She was, after all, staring at what looked unmistakinly like a demon.

"Whoa...." She finally managed to get out, "I still want to know what happened to you. Like, why didn't you look this way when I first saw you? Why were you even up here to begin with?"

Kurt padded over to a table and held up a clunky old sports watch that looked like it been through a meat grinder, "Zis vatch projects an image over me. It makes me look-" he added alittle regret, "-human. Also, I help Miss Ororo to vater her plants ever so often."

Kitty wasn't confused anymore, nor was she scared. She walked up to him pulled her hand back and slapped him across the face.

"Why didn't you say something?!"

"Vas ist das!?!" It was Kurts turn to be confused.

"You could have told me before I lost half a nights worth of beauty sleep worrying about a monster that didn't exist!!!" Kitty turned and stormed out of the attic. As she reached the door, though, she turned back and smiled at him. Then she disapeared down the ladder.

Kurt stood like an idiot with a hand over the spot where kitty slapped him. Then a goofy grin spread acrossed his face.

Oh yeah, can't resist the fuzzy dude.

~Fin

[Rowena]

This is a cute story. I don't know if the slap was really fair...but it was an interesting way to break the ice and lighten up a tense situation. I can see Kitty doing that. Also, the dream sequence was good, and I liked the Star Trek reference at the beginning.

Everyone talks about their fears on here so I guess I'll say mine: Mine is that I'll get ignored because I'm a newbie. or because of a post I made that wasn't so good. I know how people go by first impressions

Yeah, I know what you mean. This story was nice--short, sweet, and light--but to be honest, if you want people to get a good impression of your writing it would be a good idea to improve the spelling and the grammar. Do you have a spell checker on your computer? Spelling can be a drag, but spell checkers are really helpful. If readers have to squint and struggle to figure out what you're trying to say, or if they see a bunch of easily correctable errors in your writing, they probably won't finish the story. It's in your best interest to make your writing as clear and easy to read as possible, especially if you want people to comment on your story and not your grammar.

Along the same lines...I know some authors try to spell Kurt's accent out phonetically, but that approach can get a little...well, annoying after a while. It's hard to read, and it doesn't always come off the way you intend. In my opinion, it's easier just to mention he has a German accent, then sprinkle his sentences with a few genuine German terms. (By the way, "faulein" is spelled "Fräulein" and it's "Xavier," not "Xavior." I made that same mistake with the Professor's name when I first started writing X-Men stories. )


I hope this was helpful. Good luck with your writing, and welcome to the board!

[Arcane-angel]

(stares at how big the reply is) whoa. (shakes her head) Thank you so much for the reply and yes it was very helpful! No unfortionatly the only thing on my crap computer is wordpad and it was no spell check. I've been meaning to find a way to download Microsoft word.

also now that I think about it maybe this wasn't the story to start with. But it's the only good one i have at the moment.

Also I relized that evolution was probably the way not to go either *sigh*

But thanks for the review/reply I really appreciate it!

[Saint Kurt]

Hello and welcome to the board.

I agree with Rowena on the accent thing. Usually on FanFiction.net when I review the main thing I will ding authors on is phonetically spelling out Kurt's (or Rogue's) accent. It's not that it's a bad thing, and I understand the impulse to do it, but the reader can do it in their head so much better that it ultimatly becomes a distraction from the writing.

Okay. Consider that dead horse flogged.

On another note: I can't offer you Microsoft Word because you have to pay for that, but I can offer "Open Office". It's a complete word processing solution that does everything that Word does and it's free. This download courtesy of Fanfiction.net:

OpenOffice Download

It's available on Windows as well as Mac and Linux so you should be covered. I hope it works out for you.

-e

[CurlyyHairGirl]

First off, I'd like to say welcome! Glad to meet you, hon.

I can tell you now, that your first story or picture posted is tough. You stare at the computer screen for weeks wondering if you should post, and sit there thinking "is today a good day?", "Is my stuff good enough?" etc. I've been there, but after doing it I feel more confidant. Don't worry, everybody is a newbie once. Look at our beautiful Super Admin. Zamweasel, she was new once and she jumped right in and now she's got a massive 50+ chapter story plus suppliments!!!:o I would lose interest if I tried righting that much, so I draw! I for one am happy to see new faces in here.

Now, about you story. I liked this story very much, but there are a few things that can be improved upon. Zam and Rowena (bloody good writers, if you ask me) Have already mentioned the spelling and accents, grammer and what-not, so that's covered. Last, it could use a little fleshing out.

For example:

originally posted by Arcan-Angel

"A whole mansion and nothing to do!!!" Kitty screamed to no one. No one to talk to either.

Man that sucks.

~~

"Hmm... an attic," Kitty thought, "I wonder whats up there..." Kitty climbed up the ladder that was left open and looked around inside. Plants, flowers, it was like an inside garden. It was all she could tell until she could find a light switch, so she started to feel around the walls.

Here you have Kitty bored out of her mind in a big mansion, wondering what to do. And then next thing we know she's up at the attic. How did she get here? Was she just wandering around, checking out her surrounding? Did she get lost? or did she just go straight for the attic?

In this case, you could flesh it out by describing her actions. For example, before she gets to the ladder for the attic, you could add previous experiences in the institute. Perhapes after she unpacked and became bored, she went to take a self guided tour of the institute, describe her settings. Kitty is a computer geek, whether it be Evo or comic versions, maybe you could mention her checking out some computer game in the rec. room, or anything else she could have been doing leading up to the point where she gets to the attic.

Fleshing things out may seem to take alot longer, but in the end it can help, and make things more appealing to the reader. Just know when to stop. I can get into too much detail about something in a story and then it'll be as if my pro skill of rambling got to my writing...not good for stories, great for letters and school essays *heh*

Besides all that, I think you have a pretty good start.
I hope this helped a little,


:bamfEMO

[Arcane-angel]

Wow! More big reviews! I've never gotten long ones like this on fanfic.net. they were usually "great fic bye" or something. Thanks for the indepth reviews you guys it makes me glad when it takes a minute or two to read one.

CurlyyHairGirl- Thanks for mentioning that. Sometimes i have a habit to think in terms of the tv. Like scene cuts. Its a bad habit. I'll try to fix it though

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome!

[thylacine]

CUTE!!!

[Confizzle]

I thought I was a interesting spin on Kitty meeting Kurt.

[Hellcrawler]

Too cool...I like it alot. I really don't think your protrayal of Kathren is that off from the animated series....

[Haver]

Its a great first start. Just getting something out can be tough, but the old saw about practice really does work, and after a while I've heard it gets easier. Still looking for the evidence, myself There are plenty of RPG boards out there for X-Men [and a few for X-Men Evo :-)] and the daily practice of writing a paragraph or two for roleplaying, and seeing how other people write around you is a great help as well.

And I do want to thank you for making an Evo story. That show was just awesome in its plotting and especially in its characterizations. There are episodes there you can watch and analyze time after time, and you'll constantly discover something new about a given character.

There are a couple freeware word processors out there; open office is good, as is abiword. Keynote isn't a word processor per se, but it has a dictionary module and is a great organizational tool. You should be able to find all them just by googling around, or checking out pricelesswarehome.org, which is where the alt.comp.freeware newsgroup houses its "best of" list (check it out, its quite amazing).

For writing, I think you'd do better if you were more descriptive of what was going on, both in the physical environment and how a person is feeling. Is there a draft coming from a window? Is there suffocating stillness in the air, or is Kitty's heart racing? Stuff like that really makes a big difference.

As for plotting, you are going from A to B in a straight line, but if you added a side plot or two - for example, suppose Kitty is hungry and thinking about food all the time, then you'd have an opportunity for some good interplay between the two plots and help maintain interest.