NOTE: This story was inspired by the song ‘Diary’ by Bread. I was working on another story and only half-listening to the radio when this idea just jumped up and bit me. I knew if I didn't write it out at that moment, it would never get written, so here it is. It's just a little piece of fluff, but hopefully it's not too cheezy! Please let me know what you think!
Das Tagebuch
By Rowena
Kurt Wagner was strolling aimlessly through the grounds of the Xavier Institute one evening after dinner when he noticed the sun glinting off of something shiny lying under a nearby tree. Curious, he walked over to it, smiling slightly when he realized what it was.
“A diary,” he mused in German, reading the delicate, gold script on the cover. “I wonder who you belong to.”
Kurt was alone for once, which meant he didn’t have to speak in English if he didn’t want to. This evening he was feeling rather homesick, and it just felt good to speak in his native tongue—even if it was to an inanimate object.
He crouched down, lifting the small book and turning it over in his fuzzy, blue hands. There was a rather sturdy looking metal clasp on one side, which was probably what had drawn his attention in the first place. Unfortunately, the clasp was locked.
“How am I supposed to return you to your owner if I don’t know who you belong to?” Kurt inquired of the diary. “I can’t just go back inside and ask. If I do that, your owner, who is doubtless one of the girls, will accuse me of spying or something, and I’ll end up in a whole lot of trouble. I’m sure you’d agree it would be far easier, not to mention safer, if I could just teleport you to her room, ja?”
The diary didn’t answer. Kurt sighed. He hadn’t expected that it would.
“Perhaps the best thing would be to just leave you here, where I found you, ja?” he said, putting the diary back on the grass and moving to sit next to it with his back against the tree trunk. “But then, what if something happens? What if it rains, or a crazy squirrel tries to kidnap you? One of my friends will be very sad if you are lost.”
He looked down at the grass, running his thick fingers through the smooth coolness of the slender blades. He didn’t often feel this way; all melancholy and reflective. These odd, bittersweet emotions usually only came over him around this time of year—as summer turned to fall. The sun’s light began to take on that warm, orange glow and the leaves on the trees started to change into their vibrant autumn colors. Back home, it was the end of the touring season for the circus. Margali, Jimaine, Stefan, Sabu, Chester, Woodhead, and all his other friends would be packing up to leave for their winter camp while he remained with his foster parents in their cozy little home by the river.
Kurt sighed deeply, closing his golden eyes. But, he wouldn’t be with them this year, just like he wasn’t there last year and he wouldn’t be there next year. His days with the circus were over, for good or for bad. He was an X-Man now, and a high school student. His life was here, in America. Still, there were times when the longing for Germany and his old home was like a hole within him, empty and aching and impossible to fill.
Wait—what was that? His fingers had touched something cold. Cold and small.
Kurt opened his eyes, squinting down at his discovery. It was a key. A tiny, metal key lying just under the grass. Leaning forward, Kurt carefully pinched the key between his forefinger and thumb, inspecting it thoughtfully. Could this key belong to the diary? He shrugged gamely. There was only one way to find out. He picked up the diary and stuck the tiny key in the hole on top of the metal clasp. Then he turned it.
“Well, what do you know!” he exclaimed as the clasp popped open. “Some luck, eh, Kumpel? Now to see who you belong to…”
He flipped through the first few pages, scanning the text for a name. Handwritten English script was all but gibberish to him unless he concentrated on the words, and he was in no mood for that kind of concentration. It was too much like work. Besides that, he really didn’t want to pry into this person’s private thoughts. He just wanted to find out who the little Tagebuch belonged to and return it to her anonymously.
Kurt couldn’t help but smile as he turned the pages. The whole thing was written in purple ink, and the script was neat and round. Ja, this diary definitely belonged to one of the girls. Aber wer? Wer, wer, wer…?
Ach! Ein Name! But, was it the name he was looking for?
“…Rahne today. I like her and everything, but she’s pretty religious, you know? She’s a Catholic, like Kurt, but I’ve never known Kurt to get that bent out of shape over something like that. I mean, what’s so bad about saying “My God!”? Kurt says it all the time, even if it is in German. I’m certainly not one to talk, though, since I’m not a Catholic, but if you ask me, Diary, that girl has really got to lighten up…”
“OK, so you don’t belong to Rahne,” Kurt observed, noting with an odd sort of pleasure that whoeveritwas had mentioned him in her private book, no matter how offhandedly. He wondered how many other times he’d been mentioned…
“…Kurt has got to be the sweetest boy I know. I mean, just listen to this. My locker got stuck today—again!—and what did Lance do? He just shrugged and walked away. Not his problem, get it? What a jerk! But Kurt not only helped me open the darn thing, he also carried my books to class for me! I wonder if all Europeans are like that—you know kind and considerate instead of self-centered, stupid, brutish pigs like dumb old Lance. I really hate him. LANCE ALVERS IS A PIG!!!!!!! Ha, take that! Yes, Diary, I realize I’m being childish but right now I just can’t help it. I wish all boys were like Kurt…”
Kurt’s eyes stopped short as his brain got caught in a sudden stutter. He read that last line again, then again, and then a few more times just to make sure he’d read it right.
He had.
“Mein Gott,” he whispered, too amazed to do much more than blink. He knew who owned the diary now. There was no question about it, not after reading that part about the locker. But the thought that Kitty Pryde would say something like that about HIM, Kurt Wagner, the blue, fuzzy elf with the fangs and the tail and the pointy ears and the yellow eyes and the strange, three fingered hands and the weird feet…
Maybe she was just grateful for the help with her locker. Ja, that was it. Why else would a girl like her call someone like him the ‘sweetest boy I know’?
“She can’t feel that way about me,” he told the diary, though even to his own ears his carefully careless laugh sounded rather strained. “I’ll prove it. There has to be more in here…”
“…All of us went to the beach today. Kurt drove the X-Van. The top was down, which was really cool! I wore my new purple bathing suit, but I don’t think he noticed. I mean, he noticed. He just didn’t…you know…notice notice. But I sure notice noticed him! The whole time I was debating whether or not I should tell him how I feel, but in the end I just couldn’t. It’s so frustrating sometimes, Diary! I’m absolutely crazy about him, but half the time it’s like he doesn’t even know I’m there. I mean, what if I tell him, but he doesn’t like me the same way? What if I tell him and it ruins everything?! I don’t want to scare him away, and I really don’t want to lose him as a friend. I guess I’ll just have to wait a little longer. You know, until the time is right or something cheesy like that. Hey, if it works in the movies, why not for me?…”
“Ach, meine Katzchen,” Kurt gasped, his heart clenching in his chest. “Why didn’t you just tell me? You should never have felt you had to hold all this inside. Nothing you could ever say or do would make me stop being your friend, Liebchen. Don’t you know that?”
He sighed. It was true then. Kitty really did like him. Kurt took a shuddering breath, his tail twitching behind him. OK, so she more than liked him. Ach, Gott, there was an earth-shaking thought if ever there was one. How could he have missed something like this? All the teasing and the jokes and her constant complaints about finding fur in the bathtub and the smell he left after teleporting… Yet, all the time she had been hiding her true feelings deep inside. And he had never noticed.
Kurt lowered his head. He was a cad.
He had to do something about this. He couldn’t go on hurting her in this way. But, what could he do?
“What should I do, Diary?” Kurt asked out loud, running his fingers through his long, indigo hair. The German words felt comfortable on his tongue, despite his building anxiety. “She’s my friend. I never even thought of her in…well…a romantic way. I don’t even know if I like her that way! All I wanted was for her to not be scared of me. When she first came here, she could barely stand to be in the same room with me! When did this happen? How could this have happened?”
He furrowed his brow. “I have to know more. Before I do anything, I have to be absolutely certain that I’m not making a big mistake. It’s not really prying if I read a few more pages, is it little Tagebuch?”
The diary just sat there on his lap. Kurt nodded. “I didn’t think so.”
“…I cried all last night. I had to be really quiet, though, so Rogue wouldn’t notice. She doesn’t understand. She just can’t see what I can see. That’s her problem. She only looks at the surface. I can see what’s underneath. And it’s what I saw there that made me fall in love with him. There, I said it. I’m in love! I’m in love with a boy who doesn’t love me back. Well, not yet anyway. Maybe there’s something I can do about that, though. There’s a dance coming up at school in a few weeks. All right, Diary, you can say I’m dreaming all you like. But I am going to ask him. Don’t you dare try to talk me out of it, either. I know he likes me. He wouldn’t be so nice to me if he didn’t feel something for me, would he? And so what if what he feels right now is only friendship. Isn’t it true that the couples who have enjoyed the most successful relationships were friends before they fell in love? Well, why can’t it be the same way with me and him? I love him. And love will find a way. Hey, it wouldn’t be a cliché if it didn’t have at least some truth to it, right?…”
“Was? Ach, nein! Please don’t tell me that’s the last entry…”
But it was. Kurt flipped through the remaining pages, but they were all horribly blank. Kurt let out a sharp sigh, closing the little book and locking the clasp with the tiny key he’d found. His mind was positively spinning after what he’d just read.
The dance? Kitty was going to ask him to the school dance?! And she had been crying…! How could he have been so blind for so long!
Kitty was very pretty. And she was smart. Really smart. Kurt always enjoyed the time they spent together. She was so easy to talk to, and he always felt comfortable around her. But what he liked best was when he made her laugh. Her eyes would light up, and she would smile at him, a broad, beautiful smile that never failed to warm his heart.
Kurt sat up with a start. Could it be… Could it be that he was in love with her too?
Kurt looked down at the diary, then turned his gaze to the mansion, his golden eyes seeking out Kitty’s window. A slight, shadowy movement behind the curtain caught his attention and he squinted. It was her. It had to be. Rogue’s bed was on the other side of the room.
Kurt felt an enormous grin spread over his fuzzy features as his heart filled with a wonderful, exhilarating, joyous incredulity. Unglaublich. He did love her! She loved him and he loved her back! He had to go to her. He had to let her know how he felt! All this was too amazing, too unbelievable to be true. He had to talk to her now, without delay, before he woke up to find these astonishing revelations had been nothing more than a dream.
Kurt closed his eyes, clutching the precious diary to his chest. “Dankeschon, mein Freund,” he whispered. “Thank you for finally bringing me to my senses. I only hope she can forgive me for making her wait so long.”
He opened his eyes, then focused on his own bedroom window. He was going to beat her to it. He was going to ask her to the dance first. But before he went to speak with her, he had to change clothes. A gentleman just didn’t go around telling people he loved them in grass-stained jeans and an old t-shirt! Kurt would have to dress for the occasion. He would be asking her out on what would be his first real date, after all…
*******
Less than ten minutes later, Kurt was standing outside Kitty’s door in his best suit, his hair carefully combed and his tail curled tightly around his leg so it wouldn’t lash around and reveal how very nervous he was feeling. Taking a deep breath, he made a firm fist and prepared to knock on the door. He paused, though, when his sensitive ears heard Kitty’s bright, beautiful laugh on the other side, followed closely by Rogue’s voice. He froze. She wasn’t alone after all!
Kurt glanced around the empty hallway, half-panicked and completely at a loss as to what to do. It was as if he was rooted to the spot, a spot from which he couldn’t help but overhear what Kitty and Rogue were saying.
“So, did you ask him yet?” Rogue asked.
“Not yet,” Kitty responded, the remnants of her laughter still lingering in her voice. “But I will. Tonight. I even wrote it in my diary.”
”Ah guess that makes it official, then.” Rogue’s smirk was obvious from her tone.
“Yeah, I suppose it does,” Kitty said dreamily.
“Ah really don’t know what the heck you see in that boy,” Rogue snapped, disapproval dripping from every word. “Lance is a jerk, and everybody seems to know it except you.”
If Kurt was frozen before, he was petrified now. It took a moment for his muddled brain to fully process Rogue’s words, but once it did—
“He is not!” Kitty exclaimed. “You just don’t understand him. He just acts that way out of self-defense. He’s had a really hard life, you know.”
“Oh, and he’s the only one?” Rogue retorted sharply. “That doesn’t excuse him for actin’ the way he does, Kitty. There’s a reason he’s with the Brotherhood and not with us. He doesn’t care about the consequences of his actions. None of them do. He’s nothin’ more than a bully and a show-off, and if you’re as smart as your report cards say you are, you’ll drop him now before this fool crush of yours takes you somewhere you don’t want to be.”
“You are so totally off the mark it’s almost funny,” Kitty said lightly. “I know Lance. He’s nothing like what you say. And besides, it’s not a crush. I love him, Rogue. And someday soon, he’s going to finally realize he loves me back.”
Kurt couldn’t listen to any more. His throat felt tight, and his eyes were stinging. He sniffed sharply, his tail shuddering as a tear cut a damp path through his fine, velvety fur.
Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. That’s what he was. He should have known better. He should have just left that diary where it was. Stupid. He was so stupid to have let himself get carried away like that without reading the entire book.
He sniffed again, the tears falling freely now. There was no one to blame for this pain but himself. He had gotten exactly what he deserved for prying into something he was never meant to see.
Kurt turned away, slowly shuffling his way back to his own room with his tail dragging limply behind him.
*******
Kitty returned to her room later that night frustrated and angry after her phone conversation with Lance. The nerve of that guy! Honestly, he could be such a male chauvinist pig at times that it made her sick to her stomach. She had finally worked up the courage to ask him to the dance and how did he respond? He got angry at her for asking him! He said she’d ruined his surprise! It was the guy who was supposed to ask the girl after all, wasn’t it? What was wrong with her?
Kitty clenched her fists and dove onto her bed, punching her pillow as hard as she could. That jerk! That pig! That-- What was that?
Kitty looked over the side of her bed to see what had just fallen off. It was her diary. Funny, she didn’t remember leaving it on her bed…
A small slip of paper was sticking out of the top. Curious, Kitty pulled it out and unfolded it. It was a note of some sort…from Kurt! What the heck had that blasted blue elf been doing with her personal, private diary…?!
Kitty’s outrage faded as she read the words, painstakingly written in Kurt’s best handwriting.
Dearest Katzchen,
I found this Tagebuch and its little key under a tree while I was out walking after dinner. I honestly didn’t mean to pry, but I needed to open it in order to find out who it belonged to so I could return it before it was lost or damaged. For this invasion of your privacy, I humbly apologize. I only hope you will believe me when I assure you that you don’t have to worry about me telling anyone about what little I read. I value your friendship far too much for that.
Yours always,
Kurt
Kitty tilted her head, smiling slightly as she read the note again. Kurt could be annoying at times, with his icky fur and that creepy way he kept popping in on her when she least expected it, but in the end he was unquestionably the kindest, most considerate boy she had ever met. Yes, indeed, Kurt Wagner was living proof that not all boys were hopeless jerks.
Kitty sighed and lay back on the pillow, tucking her hands under her head. Why couldn’t Lance be more like Kurt?
The End
