Even Angels have Scars -- Complete

[shankjam]

Now I cant be sure, but I swear I saw you in your Nightcrawler costume on VH1's Best Week Ever today, Zam. They were talking about how this week was a great week to be a nerd because of the huge comic book convention. It was a real quick shot, they were doing the little preview of what was to come before going to commercial. Unfortunately I got distracted and missed a few minutes after the commercial, so I couldnt confirm it.

Jared

[NachtcGleiskette]

Originally posted by shankjam
Now I cant be sure, but I swear I saw you in your Nightcrawler costume on VH1's Best Week Ever today, Zam. They were talking about how this week was a great week to be a nerd because of the huge comic book convention. It was a real quick shot, they were doing the little preview of what was to come before going to commercial. Unfortunately I got distracted and missed a few minutes after the commercial, so I couldnt confirm it.

Jared

it was her!!

[Saint Kurt]

It was me. I haven't seen it, but I've heard about it. It's my big 15 seconds (shortened for television) of fame.

-e

[Maelstrom]

I've been watching from near the beginning. I can't always get in on the ground floor of these things, and for the moment, I have no "weekend" on-line access. (Hopefully that will change soon. The new computer should be in literally any day.)

But by that token, it's nice to be able to log on after a few days break and see two or three chapters waiting for me.

[Singe]

I'm of the hopped-on-in-the-middle persuasion. I read the bulk of it in one go and followed it ever since.

[CurlyyHairGirl]

Well you can count on me to be reading this, beginning to end:D Now that I'm back, I have a lot to read but I did read this last update and....WOW!!!

[ElfSpam]

I didn't start reading this until a few days ago, and I've now been completely sucked in!! GEEZ, I LOVE THIS!!! The writing is superb! And I'm always a big fan of Azazel plotlines.
Keep your radical story going; there can never be too much!!!!!

[Dezzy Dragon]

I was just watching something on TV about circuses and one thing came to mind. Were are the animals in the circus that Kurt comes from? Is there any at all? I keep getting this adorable pitcher of Kurt cuddling with a tiger in my head.

[Saint Kurt]

Were are the animals in the circus that Kurt comes from? Is there any at all?

You have asked the bazillion dollar question!

Circus Gehlhaar has no animals.

In the story, the reason is that the circus is owned by gypsies and Romani custom states that animals by their nature are unclean and not to be touched. The owner of the circus is Franz Gehlhaar who is a Romani from Bavaria. He doesn't travel with the circus and leaves most of the business to Margali and Wolfgang.

In case you're intested he's mentioned in 2 of the stories so far:

#19-Heroics
After Margali's van is trashed it is Franz Gehlhaar who tells the Szardos family they must finish the tour before they can get a new home of their own. (Wolfgang negotiates the fanciest of all the trailers for them as described in #22-Fatherly Advice.)

#25-Scenic Route
As they drive through Bavaria Wolfgang suggests paying a visit to Gehlhaar as a joke. (This is one of my favorites, by the way, because it has some of the funniest dialog I think I've ever written. I love the debate about German musical influences between Wolfgang and James and this is also where Kurt tells everyone they're "More fun than a container full of snakes and a cattle prod" which I find hysterical.)


My additional motive for having the circus be animal free is that I personally don't agree with the concept of animals performing in circuses. Possible cruelty and exploitation issues aside, I don't think animals add anything to circuses other than they feed the outdated idea that a circus is an "attraction" with "curiousities".

Before television, cars, and airplanes, the only time a person might see a lion or tiger was when the circus came to town and you could argue that this exposure gave people their only chance to see and therefore respect these beautiful and noble animals. That is no longer the case (and one might even argue that it was never the case since animal welfare is a fairly recent concept). Circus performers are highly skilled individuals often with a lifetime of training - the circus should showcase their incredible talent. And while highly trained animals provide invaluable services in the police, millitary, etc. there is no reason that they should be expected to perform in a circus.

As many know I'm studying to be a vet and have a background in circus performance. Feld Enterprises (they own Ringling Bros.) is always looking for veterinarians willing to tour with their circuses. It's a tempting offer because it would combine two lifetime loves of mine, but I would never do it. I feel too strongly that animal acts no longer belong in the circus.

Cirque du Soleil has got it perfect. I bow down to Guy LaLiberté for distilling what is (in my mind) the essence of what a circus should be and then making it really really cool.

Sorry that what you won for asking the bazillion dollar question was my "animal acts no longer belong in the circus" soap box.

Perhaps Kurt will have to visit a zoo with a good solid conservation effort and captive breeding program and hug tigers there. I think the national zoo in Washington DC has a pretty good one and since this is the movieverse, we know he ends up there somehow.

Thanks for asking such a good question. I've been waiting to see if someone notices!

-e

[Maelstrom]

I was kind of figuring it's be a "Cirque de Soleil" act, because animals are also expensive, take constant upkeep, and don't travel well. A smaller circus might have performing dogs, but it'd be hell to have a tiger going through the winding passes of Bavaria. And there's that cleanliness thingy, which one of the Roma or Sinti would have fits over....

:blush I guess... it made so much sense that I never questioned it.

I'll have to look through those "promotional" posters of Kurt in Circus Gelhaar that they made for X2 and see if any animals are featured at all. I think they only feature him and a few acrobats.

[Saint Kurt]

Thanks for replying to my little "census" by the way.

The idea came from a conversation I had with NWKurt where I was trying to speculate how many people "tuned in" each time I posted. I figured the story had an audience of about 10 people. So I thought, why not come right out and ask.

I like fan fic but I'm far from an expert. In all the time I've been reading it though, I've never seen anything like my story. Not that it's any kind of great literary masterpiece, but I like to think the writing is fairly solid and it has more chapters than anything I've ever seen. Another thing that's different is that it's been outlined to be a serial of standalone stories that fall under larger arcs. Most fics I read, though they may have parts, aren't like a full biography.

I didn't mean for it to be such a major project when I started it, but it turned into this giant saga that is rather unique. At least to me.

I'm writing it for me, but part of what I like about writing it is that people are enjoying it. I'm learning a ton about story telling to, plot and pacing and stuff. Things I never really thought about when I read. And when I read some of the earlier stories, I can see that my prose has actually improved.

And your encouragement in the beginning was really helpful. If it weren't for you guys, I wouldn't be writing this.

Thanks!
-e

[Saint Kurt]

"You're not the only one on this train that people are afraid of."



Kurt looked out the window at the scenery rushing by. The closer the train came to Hamburg, the more familiar the landscape became until he could recognize familiar landmarks from earlier trips. Despite the many inconveniences it created for him, he always loved it when Margali abandoned her well-loved van in favor of the train.

Kurt had lived in Europe all his life and seen more of it than most, but it had always been through the windshield of a vehicle. And even when they stopped, he still wasn't truly free for then he viewed the world from behind the barrier that was Nightcrawler, as though the character he played was a shell around his true self. It was like seeing everything from inside a bubble, like he was some kind of rare artifact able to exist only if he remained protected.

On the train, he'd still watched the world go by through a window, but it was different. It wasn't just him and his family alone in the van, there were other people in the car with them. And while it was annoying that he had to wear shoes and pretend to sleep under a blanket the whole ride, there was a certain excitement to it. He liked going to the station, watching Margali or Amanda buy tickets for them, and then getting to sneak onto the train in his big coat. When traveling as a family, they always sat in a group of four seats facing each other and the rule was that he always got the window seat next to Margali while Amanda and Stephani had to fight over who got the window in the pair of seats across from him. That way, he could usually angle himself so he couldn't be seen at all from the aisle, but could still peak out from under the blanket to see out the window. It was true that he missed all the goofing off and roughhousing they did when traveling in their van; things which Stephani and Amanda were still free to do, he could still get in a few sneak attacks with his tail under the blankets, stifling his giggles so that his brother and sister blamed each other rather than him.

He always liked the idea of traveling with so many strangers, sharing an experience with them instead of providing one. It was the only time in his life when he was part of the audience, all of them watching the scenery pass by; getting tiny glimpses of the lives lived along the train track, like watching a film of the world. Combined with the fact that nearly all train travel had been to and from visits to Father Dietrich, he had come to associate trains and train travel with happy memories. Even so, this trip was different. This wasn't an ordinary visit to Father Dietrich's. And there were still so many questions in his mind.

What was it that what had happened to him in Brighton? He still had only the most fleeting memories, but he remembered staring at the water from the pier, not as Nightcrawler, but as Kurt Wagner, who was seventeen and happened to be a circus aerialist besides, and who liked the ocean and boats as long as he wasn't on them. The fact that he was blue, had a tail, and looked like an embodiment of what for centuries people had given the label "demon" seemed completely irrelevant. But had it been? Because the next thing he could clearly remember was that people who had known him for years were suddenly afraid of him. Even Father Dietrich had looked at him with fear in his eyes. Was that the price he had had to pay for his transgression, for daring to be himself in public for just five minutes?

Kurt frowned, it wasn't true; he did have one other clear memory. Azazel had been there. But why? Since when had Azazel ever had anything to do with him other than that single appearance when they were introduced? While Kurt had committed the sigil that Azazel had drawn in the dirt to memory, he had done so mainly to ensure that he never drew it accidentally. And yet he was sure Azazel had been there.

There was movement on the seat beside him and Kurt turned to look. Now that they were getting close to Hamburg, Father Dietrich had gone to change. Kurt hadn't liked the idea of being left alone, but since he certainly couldn't have joined him, nor asked Father Dietrich to change his clothes in the passenger compartment, he had remained silent. He was way too hot with both his hooded coat and the blanket, but he figured it was better that way so he stared out the window trying to think cool thoughts.

The sound next to him didn't sound like Father Dietrich so Kurt tried to turn and see what was going on without actually letting anyone see him, which turned out to be impossible. It was a boy about ten years old. He had dark hair, a pair of keen brown eyes, and the kind of sturdy classical features that seemed unique to Germany. He looked like what Kurt would have imagined Wolfgang looking like at that age, already handsome and destined to only become more so.

"Whoa. What are you?" The boy asked, a little too loudly.

Kurt had been trying to hold his hood over his face with his good hand. He let go. There was no point in hiding now, but there was no reason to cause a scene either. He put his finger over his lips. "Shhh. I think what you meant was 'who are you'," he said, "and it's not polite to ask unless you introduce yourself first."

The boy looked slightly taken aback. He moved as though to leave which would have been fine with Kurt, but then stood his ground. "Are you really blue?" The boy asked.

Kurt turned away. He knew it was rude, but he didn't feel like answering such obvious questions. They rode in silence for a few minutes. The boy tapped Kurt on the shoulder.

"My name is Kurt," the boy said.

Kurt turned around with mild disinterest. "That's my name too," he said. He was surprised when that boy's face lit up.

"Really? That's so cool. There's another boy named Kurt in my school, but he's mean. Are you a monster?" He asked.

Kurt shut his eyes in exasperation. "Of course not," he said, "I'm an acrobat in the circus."

"Wow. That's even cooler than being a monster!" The boy announced.

Kurt had to laugh. "I guess it is," he said.

"Is your name really Kurt too?"

"Yes." Kurt said with a nod.

The boy settled back into his seat, seeming perfectly happy to have taken up residence there. "I was named after my great grandfather. Where you named after anyone?"

"You ask a lot of questions, but yes, I was named after the strongman in our circus."

"Was he really strong?"

Kurt smiled and nodded. "He could lift one of the big tent poles all by himself. And he used to let me ride on his shoulders."

The boy nodded curtly as though he felt this was sufficient to qualify the man as strong and changed course. "How come you only have three fingers instead of five?" He asked.

"Because that's how many fingers God gave me." Kurt said.

The younger Kurt nodded again as though satisfied with this answer as well. "How come you have a hood on? Can I see what you look like?"

Kurt shook his head. "No, people are sometimes afraid of how I look." He said sadly. The truth was, he wanted nothing more than to take his hood off. He was used to wearing a lot of layers, but the cast on his arm seemed to be messing with his ability to regulate his body temperature and he was uncomfortably warm.

"That's stupid." The boy said with a frown. "Why would they be afraid of the way God made you?"

Kurt decided he didn't mind the boy all that much. At least he asked some good questions. "I honestly don't know," he said.

A woman stopped beside them and Kurt turned away quickly to look out the window again. He tried to concentrate on the scenery going by, but beside him the boy was tapping him enthusiastically on the shoulder.

"This is my mom." He said. "Mom! He's from the circus. His name is Kurt too. He's blue."

Kurt looked around and gave her a quick closed mouth smile before turning back to the window. He figured it wouldn't be long now before his new companion was gone so there was no point in being overly polite.

"Let's go honey. He doesn't want to be bothered." The woman said.

But the boy protested. "We were talking." He said. "I'm not bothering you am I?"

To Kurt's own surprise, he should his head. "It's fine, Miss," he said, still not looking directly at her. "He can stay if he likes. I don't mind."

"See" the boy Kurt said.

"Do you really perform in a circus?" The woman asked.

Kurt nodded his head and then realized that from within the hood, she probably couldn't see the gesture. "Yes," he said aloud, "I'm an aerialist and an acrobat." She didn't seem frightened of him at all. In fact, her attitude was much like her son's, curious and nothing more. It made Kurt wonder how many people out there were like her.

"Is that difficult?" She asked.

"No. I mean, it's hard work, but it's not difficult. Not for me." Kurt said. "But, I've been doing it all my life."

"Did you always look like that?" The boy asked.

"Kurt!" His mother said sternly.

Kurt jumped instinctively at the sound of his name and the boy laughed. "It's okay." Kurt said. "And yes, I have."

"That's so cool." The boy said. "I wish I looked like you. I wouldn't hide though. I'd be like…" The boy started making scary faces and postures. "Everyone would think it was really cool," he said.

Kurt watched the boy with a look of consternation. He had no idea did he?

His mother gave Kurt an apologetic shrug. "You know where I'm sitting then," she said. "If he starts bothering you, just tell him to come back and sit with me."

"I will." Kurt said. He watched her go and then looked back at his new companion who was still sitting in Father Dietrich's seat, apparently thrilled with the arrangement.

Not one to keep quiet for very long, the boy started telling Kurt stories about school, which he found very interesting. He wondered if that was what school had been like for Stephani when he was younger. Though Stephani always brought home books and papers for Kurt to see, he rarely talked about what life at school was like.





"Ah, we have a guest," a familiar voice said after they had been talking for about ten minutes. Kurt looked up and saw it was Father Dietrich, now properly attired returning to his seat. He figured they must be very close to Hamburg.

The boy smiled. "Hi," he said with a casual wave.

"His name is Kurt too." Kurt said.

"Are you really a real priest?" The younger Kurt asked.

Father Dietrich laughed. "I'm afraid so," he said.

The boy got up so Father Dietrich could sit down and then sat on the arm of Father Dietrich's seat, apparently not ready to leave yet. "Where are you going?" He asked.

"To my church in Hamburg." Said Father Dietrich.

"I'm going to Hamburg too! My grandparents live there." The boy shouted enthusiastically.

They continued their conversation, with the boy asking questions about everything under the sun while Kurt and Father Dietrich took turns attempting the answer them. The boy seemed thrilled to have such a unique fount of knowledge at his disposal and stepped up his questions until he had the both of them scratching their head.

"I think we maybe speaking to the next Descartes." Father Dietrich commented.

"Who's Descartes?" The young Kurt asked.

Before Father Dietrich could answer the train lurched as it rounded a sharp bend of track. The boy fell off the chair arm and landed in Father Dietrich's lap.

"Oops." Said Father Dietrich as he helped him back to his feet and brushed him off. "Maybe that's not such a good place to sit."

"It certainly is not." Said a stern voice. It was the boy's mother, whom Kurt had met a few minutes earlier.

The three of them looked up.

"This is my mom." The boy said to Father Dietrich.

To Kurt's surprise she took her son by the arm and pulled him in close to herself, laying a protect arm over his shoulders. "Don't you dare touch him again," she said glaring at Father Dietrich.

"I assure you I meant no harm." Father Dietrich said.

Kurt was speechless. It was almost like she was afraid of Father Dietrich. But why? He couldn't begin to imagine.

"Let's go Kurt" the woman said, "come back and sit with me now."

"But we were talking" the boy protested.

"Not anymore. Let's go," she said and without another word she pulled her still protesting son towards the other end of the train.

Kurt was thoroughly confused. He looked over at Father Dietrich who had taken his glasses off and rubbed a hand across his eyes.

"It's so frustrating." Father Dietrich said before Kurt could speak.

"What's frustrating, Father?"

Father Dietrich looked surprised as he put his glasses back on. "Sometimes I think you're lucky to live the life you lead," he told Kurt.

Kurt was even more confused. "What do you mean?" he asked.

"You're not constantly bombarded by opinions. Your views on the world are your own, not what you've been forced to think by reporting biased towards presenting things in the worst possible light," said Father Dietrich.

Kurt had never heard him say anything like that before. It sounded like the kind of thing Wolfgang or Christian would say. "Ummm…" Kurt started to speak, but wasn't sure what to ask.

"It is very common for the news to portray priests as…" Father Dietrich paused, " as taking advantage of the close relationship they have with their younger parishioners."

Kurt scratched his head. "What is that supposed to mean?" he asked.

"I can explain better when we get home if you like," Father Dietrich said, "but the short version is that you're not the only one on this train that people are afraid of."

[Dezzy Dragon]

I can say I did not expect that outcome in the least!

Zam your stories are great! I find the short stories to be a great way to tell what you want told. It reminds me of the way comic books are written, a bunch of short stories that tells us about the lives of some people. I remember reading the Essential X-Men volume one and felt cheated because it skipped over months of training for the newer group.

Oh and thanks about answering my questions about the animals. I thought it was one of the kinds of circus that didn’t have them but I was not to sure. I also never knew about the animals being unclean to them before. I learn something new every day.

[NWKurt]

Originally posted by zamweasel
Cirque du Soleil has got it perfect. I bow down to Guy LaLiberté for distilling what is (in my mind) the essence of what a circus should be and then making it really, really cool.

Zam, once again I thoroughly agree! Every time I go to LasVegas, I have to see a Cirque show, even if I have seen it before! I challenge anyone to go an see one of their shows (LasVegas or the traveling shows) and NOT come out amazed, and wishing that they had joined their circus as a kid!

When I read about any of Kurts life in the circus, I think of Cirque. When I go to any of Cirques shows, I expect at any moment our friend of blue to pop out of nowhere and start toying with the performers or the audience. What I would give to see that In my mind Kurt is the embodiment of all that is Cirque; laughter, friendship, hearbreak, and the general love of life itself.

And for a quick comment on the use of animals in the circus.....well, I believe that we are here to respect, guard, and promote the life we have around us. Zam, you are right on the money when you mentioned the fact about television, cars and airplanes (and the Internet too!) can give people the ability to see things that they wouldnt normally see. We dont really need to tote animals around anymore to see what they are capiable of doing - 'nuff said.

While not going too far into ones beliefs, we are the keepers of this big blue ball. We have been given sole authority to use and manage the animals at our discression. Lets hope that the decisions for their use follow a plan that has been set down a very long time ago. *off my soapbox now*

As for the Kurt in your last story, it is nice to see him in a honored state, outside the circus. And having little Kurt ask of big Kurt questions to where he is not afraid to speak out, sure made me feel that big Kurt is comming to respect who he is. His mature attitude and answers contrasts what he has been used to for all his life. Also, nice to see how an 'unpolluted' mind accepts 'what is' for what it is. No bias, as oposed to his mum.

Thanks again for a wonderful story to send me off to Philly and DC.

NWKurt

[theindigojester]

Sorry for being so late with this reply. Procrastination is an evil thing. Anyway, I have been reading since you first began to post and check way too often for my own good for updates. I love every installment and I'll try to be more consistent in my posts (if I can actually think of something to say besides "Wow! Great job...again!") Keep up the great work and good luck with all the costume jobs people are calling you about!

[CurlyyHairGirl]

Wow. That was an absolutely stunning addition. I loved the line about how Kurt would travel with Amanda and Stephan, and tickle them with his tail, it made me feel warm and fuzzy inside:DI also enjoyed the conversation between the two Kurts', that was adorable.

You keep dishin' out the cards, all aces.

Poor Father...I hope tings turn out ok. The ending was a real surprise:shocked.

[InterNutter]

Squee! Yayz! There's more

I'm loving the irony of a mum who'd let her son talk to a blue guy, but freak out over a priest Plus the whole chapter was just cute

Can't wait for more.

[Saint Kurt]

Thanks. I'm glad you like this chapter because it's kind of a departure from my usual thing.

I stick to the outline fairly strictly. (There's so much that if I just wandered off will nilly I'd never finish it.) However, I got the image in my head of Kurt talking to a little kid who didn't find him scary and I really liked it. I think I was thinking of a scene from Hellboy actually, but I didn't realize it until today when I finally got to watch my DVD of it.

Then I had a second thought - what if the kid was more afriad of Father Dietrich than he was of Kurt. Chronologically, this would have been a time when more and more reports of molestations by priests. I didn't like the way I wrote it though, plus it just wasn't territory I wanted to get involved in. But when I wrote it with the mother being frightened of Father Dietrich it worked much better. She's a parent protecting her child - the irony is that she finds the priest as the greater threat.

It was just something interesting that I wanted to explore especially since both Kurt and Father Dietrich travel in disquise. I just couldn't resist.

-e

[Nandireya]

You've already got the DVD of Hellboy? Hasn't even hit cinemas down here yet...

Felt so sorry for poor Father Dietrich though...those kind of priest are the minority and yet they're seen as the majority...

[Saint Kurt]

Content removed due to a major ecclesiastical error.

[CurlyyHairGirl]

not about story

OMG, Zam! You got you 15 min. of fame (though shortened). That is awesome! I sure do hope that buisness goes well with all your new costumers....just...wow.

back to story

Haven't read this last bit you put in, so I'll read it later today...I'm sure its great:Dit always is...??? Have you ever thought of being a writer???

[InterNutter]

Why do I get the feeling that Karl's going to be a bucketload of trouble?

Loving the fic, though

[theindigojester]

I really enjoyed this last piece. I especially liked when Father Dietrich was having the internal conflict about bringing Kurt back with him and how he tried to explain Kurt before introducing him. It's too bad Kurt wasn't able to go meet everyone, but with people like Karl, i can understand why.

The one thing that bothered me hower was Alex, or rather her position. Baptized men are the only people who can become Deacons in the Catholic church (just like Priests, Bishops, and the rest of the Papacy).

This information is stated in the Catechism of the Catholic Church, which is sort of like a guide book for Catholics. Paragraph 1577 describes who can be given the sacrement of Holy Orders. The page where that Paragraph is found describes the sacrement of Holy Orders and the more specific duties of the Deacons if you are interested.

I'm not sure if you meant to put a female Deacon in the story to show how liberal or forward thinking Father Dietrich is since Karl expresses his worry over having the diocese find out what he is doing, but I couldn't see Father Dietrich doing something like that. Just wondering.

[Saint Kurt]

The one thing that bothered me hower was Alex, or rather her position. Baptized men are the only people who can become Deacons in the Catholic church (just like Priests, Bishops, and the rest of the Papacy).

Oh no!

She was simply based on a real person who told me she was a deacon at her church and was a chaplain at the Catholic hospital where I was staying. And then my reference book on Catholism said that a Deacon was someone who didn't plan on becoming a priest. (emphasis is mine.) So I figured women could be Deacons.

I never asked Andrea her church's denomination though. Could it have been she wasn't Catholic? I assumed she was because the hospital was. I knew it was unusual because we talked about that (hence the comment from Fr. Dietrich's other Deacon), but it looks like in Catholicsm it's impossible.

For the record, I originally intended for Father Dietrich to much more unorthodox. In the first draft he was secretly married to a women as a protest of the idea that one couldn't commit to a family and to God at the same time. (Though he still adhered to his vow of celibacy as a priest. poor girl.) But it was too complex to explain and didn't really add to the story. In the end it was more interesting to make him a very traditional priest with some unusual ideas.

I doesn't really matter in the story whether she's a Deacon or not, just that she's there. I'll take that down and fix it - it flies to much in the face of all the other research I've done to try and make the characters and situations realistic.

Thanks!
-e

[Saint Kurt]

Okay. I fixed it. I'm posting below rather than editing the one above to make it easier to see that this is a new version.

Thanks for catching that.

-e