The Dead Phoenix Sketch.......

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kladyelf
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The Dead Phoenix Sketch.......

Post by kladyelf »

I have been requested to display this!
eeeeeee!
(actually this is on a friend's site but i've lost the URL darnit :( ) aanyhoo.....

Note: for those of you not from an English/Australian background, the word "bird" can also mean "lady, woman or girl" as well as the small flying critter,
- just so we're clear OK?
Sorry this has no :) but its good 4 a laugh anyway :laugh:


Here Tis!

The Dead Phoenix Sketch
OR
"Well, it had to happen sooner or later!¨


Disclaimer: The recognisable characters are not mine, they belong to Marvel, the script is based on the Monty Python¡'s "Dead Parrot Sketch¨ which is also not mine, please do not sue me, I am only doing this for my own entertainment and not for money - I'm just a poor student trying to have some fun here!!!
PS : this was all written in an insane chocolate-induced frenzy, I'm not like this usually, really I'm not, no really... look really I ... What? Chocolate? Why thankyou. :)

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(A man walks into a pet shop, he is dressed in blue and wearing a strange pair of thick red glasses and carrying a cage, behind the bar is a short bald man ... no wait he's in a wheelchair. :) )

Cyclops: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint (Xavier won't look up from the magazine he's reading). 'Ello? Miss?

Xavier: What do you mean Miss??

Cyke: Oh, sorry, it's the glasses, Anyway, I wish to make a complaint!

Xavier: We're closin' for lunch.

C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this phoenix what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.

X: Oh yes, the, uh, the American Red...What's, uh...What's wrong with it?

C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. She's dead, that's what's wrong with it!

X: No, no, she's uh,...she's resting.

C: Look, matey, I know a dead phoenix when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now!

X: No no she's not dead, she's, she's restin'! Remarkable bird, the American Red, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!

C: The plumage don't enter into it. She's stone dead.

X: Nononono, no, no! She's resting!

C: All right then, if she's restin', I'll wake ¡¥er up!
(shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Miss Cosmic Phoenix! I've got a lovely fresh planet for you if you show...(shop owner hits the cage)

X: There, she moved!

C: No, she didn't, that was you hitting the cage!

X: Ooo, I never!!

C: Yes, you did!

X: I never, never did anything...

C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO PHOENIX!!!!! JEAN?? JEAN??! JEEEAAAANNNN!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!

(Takes phoenix out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up
in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)

C: Now that's a dead avatar.

X: No, no.....No, she's stunned!

C: STUNNED?!?

X: Yeah! You stunned 'er, just as she was wakin' up! American Reds stun easily, major.

C: Now look mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That bird is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out due to a prolonged squawk.

X: Well, she's...she's, ah...probably pining for the cosmos.

C: PININ' for the COSMOS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did she fall flat on 'er back the moment I got 'er home?

X: The American Red prefers kippin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!

C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that phoenix when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.

(pause)

X: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its TK, and VOOM!

C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put the power cosmic through it! 'She's bleedin' demised!

X: No no! She's pining!

C: She's not pinin'! She's passed on! The Phoenix is no more! She has ceased to be! She's expired and gone to meet 'er maker! She's a stiff! Bereft of life, She rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'er to the perch she'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Er metabolic processes are now 'istory! She's off the astral! She's kicked the bucket, she's shuffled off 'er mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN X-PHOENIX!!

(pause)

X: Well, I'd better replace er, then.

(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)

X: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of phoenixes.

C: I see. I see, I get the picture.

X: <pause> I got a Wolverine.

(pause)

C: (sweetly) Pray, does it talk?

X: Weeeellll 'E growls.

C: WELL HE'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS HE?!!???!!?

X: Look, if you go to my brother's pet shop in Bolton, he'll replace the Phoenix for you.

C: Bolton, eh? Very well.

The customer leaves.

The customer enters the same pet shop. The owner is putting on a false moustache.

C: This is Bolton, is it?

X: (with a fake mustache) No, it's Ipswitch.

C: (looking at the camera) That's inter-city rail for you.

The customer goes to the train station.
He addresses a large Blue-furred man standing behind a desk marked "Complaints".

C: I wish to complain, British-Railways Person.

Hank McCoy: I DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS JOB, YOU KNOW!!!

C: I beg your pardon...?

M: I'm a qualified Biochemist, Physicist, Mad Scientist and brain surgeon! I only do this job because I like being my own boss!

C: Excuse me, this is irrelevant, isn't it?

M: Yeah, well it's not easy to use those really long words all the time you know, sometimes they make my brain really hurt, and -

C: (Interrupting) Well, I wish to complain. I got on the Bolton train and found myself deposited here in Ipswitch.

M: No, this is Bolton.

C: (to the audience) The pet shop man's brother was lying!!

M: Can't blame British Rail for that.

C: In that case, I shall return to the pet shop!

M: (muttering) weird git

(Cyclops returns, blasting the door open and generally demolishing the pet shop.)

C: I understand this IS Bolton.

X: (amongst the wreckage, still with the fake mustache) Yes?

C: You told me it was Ipswitch!

X: ...It was a pun.

C: (pause) A PUN?!?

X: No, no...not a pun...What's that thing that spells the same backwards as forwards?

C: (Long puzzled pause) A palindrome...?

X: Yeah, that's it!

C: It's not a palindrome! The palindrome of "Bolton" would be "Notlob"!! It don't work!!

X: Well, what do you want?

C: I'm not prepared to pursue my line of inquiry any longer as I think this is getting too silly!

Bishop: (charging into the shop in full British army uniform) Quite agree, quite agree, too silly, far too silly... (takes Cyclops by the arm) Come on, you, you've got to go marry a clone now! Come on... (he walks off stage left, followed by the director and cameramen, leaving the owner alone on the set)

X: (to himself) Well! I never wanted to do this in the first place. I wanted to be... A LUMBERJACK!

(He jumps out of his wheelchair, takes off his white lab coat to reveal a checkered shirt and suspenders under it)

Floating down the mighty rivers of British Columbia!
With my best girl by my side! (runs off to Canada with Wolverine)

Meanwhile when everyone has gone, flames flicker in the ruined store and:
SKREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE¡K¡KHey!, Where is everyone?! Aw man... (Jean grumbles and stalks off)

THE END

Yes, I know, I'm twisted, but it was fun eh?


Tell me what ya think! Post to this thread! (or email me, whatever....)

Kladyelf - founder of the SPCBFE

[Edited on 18-11-2007 by kladyelf]
meddle not in the affairs of ficcers for you are malleable and easily .... O_o *stares* ooh is that a cookie?

Love your enemies - It will drive them nuts!

Crazy.... but in the nicest possible way....

To Stupidityyyyy - and beyond!

*after reading the latest gory/depressing "mainstream" comic* ....*sigh* that's it, I'm packin' up and moving back to the Eighties...
Bamfette
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The Dead Phoenix Sketch.......

Post by Bamfette »

:laugh::laugh::laugh:

that was great!
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The Dead Phoenix Sketch.......

Post by Ult_Sm86 »

LOL! wait... got to catch breath!(gasp) (gasp) RESPIRATOR! (is that how u spell it?)
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The Dead Phoenix Sketch.......

Post by silver_frosted_roze »

It rocks!
Encourage me to update my page. Or just read my blog.
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The Dead Phoenix Sketch.......

Post by Slarti »

:D HA! That was pretty good! I could even hear their voices in me lil' 'ead.
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The Dead Phoenix Sketch.......

Post by BlueJubatus »

lol, very well done, i loved it:P
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kladyelf
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The Dead Phoenix Sketch.......

Post by kladyelf »

THanks for the feedback! *cackles* more! must have mooooorrree!
*ahem*
well really, please do tell me what u think, it just gives me a lovely warm glow, in the cockles of my duodenum.....
....wait, did that come out right?

Kladyelf - founder of the SPCBFE
meddle not in the affairs of ficcers for you are malleable and easily .... O_o *stares* ooh is that a cookie?

Love your enemies - It will drive them nuts!

Crazy.... but in the nicest possible way....

To Stupidityyyyy - and beyond!

*after reading the latest gory/depressing "mainstream" comic* ....*sigh* that's it, I'm packin' up and moving back to the Eighties...
little Blue Lucy
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The Dead Phoenix Sketch.......

Post by little Blue Lucy »

ROTFLMAO!:laugh::laugh::laugh: OMG that is too funny! I'm with Bamfman on the catching my breath,:laugh: and Slarti with the hearing of their voices!:D
Vala: "Hello."
Daniel: "What the hell are you doing here?"
Vala: "Isn't this my room?"
Daniel: "Noooo… your room is across the hall… with the… guard in front of it."
Vala: "Ah yes, they do all rather look alike don't they? Anyhow, Since I'm here, shall we make the best of it?"
Daniel: "No, we shalln't."
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The Dead Phoenix Sketch.......

Post by Nightfollower »

LMAO!!!!! That was soooooo funny!!!!

*covers face in mad giggles*
Nightfollower.

Insert sig here.

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kladyelf
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The Dead Phoenix Sketch.......

Post by kladyelf »

I have other (albeit unfinished) fics (some kurt-centric some not...) should i post them??
meddle not in the affairs of ficcers for you are malleable and easily .... O_o *stares* ooh is that a cookie?

Love your enemies - It will drive them nuts!

Crazy.... but in the nicest possible way....

To Stupidityyyyy - and beyond!

*after reading the latest gory/depressing "mainstream" comic* ....*sigh* that's it, I'm packin' up and moving back to the Eighties...
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The Dead Phoenix Sketch.......

Post by BLUE_2007 »

oh, i LOVE Monty Python! i just watched that show last night!
Holy crap, it's been awhile!
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kladyelf
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The Dead Phoenix Sketch.......

Post by kladyelf »

erg.... why did that come through twice??
meddle not in the affairs of ficcers for you are malleable and easily .... O_o *stares* ooh is that a cookie?

Love your enemies - It will drive them nuts!

Crazy.... but in the nicest possible way....

To Stupidityyyyy - and beyond!

*after reading the latest gory/depressing "mainstream" comic* ....*sigh* that's it, I'm packin' up and moving back to the Eighties...
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The Dead Phoenix Sketch.......

Post by silvermouse »

that was so funny!
"We don't need another hero, we don't need to know the way home. All we want is life beyond the thunderdome." "Words fail, buildings tumble, the ground opens wide. Light beams down from heaven, she stands before my eyes. She's actual size but she seems much bigger to me."
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