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Dread Pirate
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Post by Esynthia » Mon Mar 08, 2010 5:15 am

Note: Ok, so... i'm posting this snippet here to get feedback. This is all i have written and i'm not sure if i should or should not write anymore. Please tell me (with brutal honesty if necessary) what you think. i would greatly appreciate it. :)

Note within the note: it's not edited yet. This is the rough draft.


The sun was barely over the horizon, sparkling softly on the Mississippi River as it promised another beautiful day. A day that would be full of crowded marketplaces as well as streets loud with laughter and galloping horses as people prepared for the coming festivities. Flower beds in a private courtyard off of Rue Royal were disturbed as they were trampled by light feet making their way back home from a busy night out. As the shoes started to make slapping sounds on the cobblestone walkway, they were removed and held in a delicate hand displaying long graceful fingers. The other arm held a full skirt in a bunch so the now bare feet wouldn’t trip along the way to the door of the parlor. The owner of the feet knew the path well enough to know which stones would be gentle on her and which would cause her to yelp and wake the servants early. It had been a wonderful night out and it was not to be ruined by being fussed over.

The shoes were carefully placed next to the door and the rustle of her dress was the only sound as she hurried upstairs to her suite, stripping her mask when she entered the doorway. The intricate mask was lovingly set on the marble topped vanity, the gold scroll work on the disguise complementing the silver hand mirror and brush it was next to. The gown was the next to be taken off, spread over the top of the hope chest with care, gloved fingers smoothing the ruby material softly before the gloves too were stripped away and placed on top of it.

The newly bared hands pulled a dressing gown from the wardrobe and shrugged it onto her shoulders as she turned silently to face her free standing mirror. Without taking her eyes from the mirror she reached out and picked up her long comb, pulling her hair into a loose twist for sleeping. Long onyx lashes closed over gem stone eyes as she bent her head down to pin a few loose strands at the base of her head. When the eyes opened again and looked to the reflective glass, there were a new set of eyes watching her from outside her window. A startled gasp was torn from her throat and slowly she turned to see the eyes still watching her and she paused, held captive by the warm fire the strange eyes held.

As she stood there watching she forgot completely about covering herself for decency’s sake. She blinked to assure herself that the eyes were real only to be found gone by the time her eyes were back open. As soon as she saw this, a book full of blank pages was snatched from the bedside table, a quill pen scooped up next. She could not forget those eyes. The hand holding the book flipped it open as the pen started sketching the image that was ingrained in the mind of the woman. They were jewel tones that complemented her own. A quick glance at her gown at the end of her bed and she realized they were the same shade. To be sure they were gone, her eyes then flicked to the window, wondering why they had been there and where they had gone.

The book was shut and placed with the pen beside it on the table once she had finished sketching and making notes that the eyes were such an odd shade. She slid her feet into her slippers and made her way to the French doors leading to her balcony. Maybe the creature was still out there and she would be able to see it better. Cautiously, she opened one of the doors and stepped out, looking around and frowning when she saw nothing. She moved to the balcony’s end and peered over the railing and then out into the garden. There was a person slipping over the edge of the brick wall surrounding the inner courtyard and she frowned again. Quickly, she glanced around at the other windows to make sure no one was awake yet before calling out for the person to wait. She heard a slight hesitation in the footsteps on the walk outside the wall then they picked up again, heading down the alleyway.

She ducked back inside as a lower window had a light shining, drawing her curtains as soon as the door was shut. She rushed to hang her dressing gown over the back of her vanity chair, set her shoes by the side of her bed, and slip under the covers before it being discovered that she had been out all night. She relished the time among the people of her city and she did not want to be caught and have to give that one last thing up. She turned off the gas in her lamp and let her eyes close, the image of the ruby red eyes seared into her memory.


Her eyes opened, squinted and tired, at the sound of her mother’s voice calling from outside her doors followed by a series of loud knocks against them. She closed her eyes tight and the covers were pulled over her head, blocking out the sound. She couldn’t have been wrapped in sleep for more than ten minutes. Just as she slipped back into blessed unconsciousness another series of knocks pounded on the doors and into her ears. She sighed and folded the covers back, her legs slipping off the edge of the bed so she could sit up. The day was here and her mother wouldn’t let her sleep when she had a whole day ahead of her. Classes, chores, training. Her body wasn’t rested well enough but she did not regret the choices from the night before. And those eyes. Maybe she would see them again soon.

[Edited on 3/8/2010 by Esynthia]

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Post by Elfdame » Mon Mar 08, 2010 2:33 pm

It's intriguing. I say, go for it.

Brutal stuff: A bit too much passive voice for my taste. Since it's rough draft, I understand the use, so ... will cut ya slack.

"Gem stone" eyes is great. LOVE it. But it doesn't produce an automatic colour in the mind's (pardon me) eye.

Fan stuff: I like the eyes being a common link in the story chain. Good use of tactile and auditory senses, could have used some olfactory,and also the temperature of the ground under her feet, to draw Reader even more into the lady's universe. The eyes' colour being foreshadowed in her dress was a fantastic touch.

Moar, pliz.
"Humanity is a parade of fools, and I am at the front of it, twirling a baton." From Chapter 9 of _Brother Odd_ by Dean Koontz / from Chapter 10: "Life you can evade; death you cannot."


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Post by Dedicatedfollower467 » Tue Mar 09, 2010 3:14 am

I like it.

And I wanna see moar.

I can haz storee?? Plz?
"A dedicated follower of nothing." -- graffitit artist in Brick Lane, London, England.
Right across the lane from the demon and just down the wall from Wolverine.
RIP Kurt Wagner. You were the character who brought in me into comics, who introduced me and inspired me. Now your death has sent me away again. Wherever you are in the Marvel Universe, I hope its someplace pleasant.

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