daybreakers

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sovietxzion
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daybreakers

Post by sovietxzion » Sun May 04, 2008 5:44 pm

DAYBREAKERS
Part One

A tall Vicar had paced among the grainy glass panelled windows that spread the entire southern facing wall which exposed a gorgeous view of the Las vegas strip down below. "My lord, i implore you to leave this city for you know the Wild Seven could be here any moment." a raspy voice had spoken with deep rooted trepidation. the quiet grew still between the voice and the figure that had stood gazing out the windows at the skyline which was ablaze with fiery ever changing neon lights.
At last the man had spoken but it was set with courage even in the face of possibly impending fear. "My safety is not of your concern, my only concern that we must find the Chosen one..." he trailed off for only a singular moment but he had coughed and what emitted from his dry mouth was nasal blood also mixed in was yellow Mucus. "Forgive me, my strength is not what it used to be but let us forget of this. You are the leader of the Daybreakers and your mission. Find and destroy the chosen one" he had retorted without ever looking at the other unseen figure.

Meanwhile in upstate new york, a voice was shouting as twigs snapped on the dusty autumn trail. "Wait! stop! you don't want to be there!" as hard pounding footsteps echoed in the distance. "I have to find it. i can't stop!" the voice responded rasply as if out of breath. a couple of small quails scattered as footsteps dashed by the dead leaves and grass.
"Mein gott!" the voice cried out as the padded footsteps skidded to a halt in front of a decaying mansion. "Why did you do that!?" the other voice responded harshly as she skidded alongside the male. "Kurt? Look at me!" the voice commanded.

A tall man of eighteen year old in age looked at the female that had looked hard at him with ice in her heart. "Kitty, you know that the Chosen one is here, do not deny it" he spoke in a musical German accent. Kurt's prehensile tail moved with it's own inner magic as it trailed among the dead earth. "The prophecy holds true, and we know of the chosen one's powers."

"I know of the prophecy and but what if..." she broke off and looked up to meet Kurt's amber eyes which glowered intensely even in the twilight's last beam before night would fall. "What if the chosen one is not here but somewhere else?" she finally said and awaited her friend's response which would be the most simplest explanation of all.

"We are the wild seven, you know that" and that was all said.
"Itchy, Rusty, Wretched, my ARSE!"- Jetfire

"I'm not gonna stick it in freja and make her see god, i leave that to the Pros... AKA freak"

"If sex is evil, I comitted a whole lot of evil last night."

fourpawsonthefloor
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daybreakers

Post by fourpawsonthefloor » Sun May 04, 2008 6:10 pm

Cool start mikey! Keep going!
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Saint Kurt
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daybreakers

Post by Saint Kurt » Sun May 04, 2008 6:51 pm

I'm so excited that you posted it that I'm going to do an editing pass!

Don't take any of them personally. I'm kind of a harsh editor, but I really like it when fanfic is really polished and reads like real literature. If I see something with nice language and potential, I always want to kind of pick it up, spit on it, and see if it's a gem or not. :)
Originally posted by sovietxzion
DAYBREAKERS
Part One

A tall Vicar had paced among the grainy glass panelled windows that spread the entire southern facing wall which exposed a gorgeous view of the Las vegas strip down below. "My lord, i implore you to leave this city for you know the Wild Seven could be here any moment." a raspy voice had spoken with deep rooted trepidation. the quiet grew still between the voice and the figure that had stood gazing out the windows at the skyline which was ablaze with fiery ever changing neon lights.
At last the man had spoken but it was set with courage even in the face of possibly impending fear. "My safety is not of your concern, my only concern that we must find the Chosen one..." he trailed off for only a singular moment but he had coughed and what emitted from his dry mouth was nasal blood also mixed in was yellow Mucus. "Forgive me, my strength is not what it used to be but let us forget of this. You are the leader of the Daybreakers and your mission. Find and destroy the chosen one" he had retorted without ever looking at the other unseen figure.

This is a good start. Who doesn't like Las Vegas. In fact, just the fact that they're in Las Vegas is awesome. One thing though is you can take a lot of pressure off your exposition by setting the scene early.

For instance:
Originally posted by sovietxzion - SK editing
DAYBREAKERS
Part One

Las Vegas - The Vicar's Lair (Or mansion or whatever cool name it has.)

A tall Vicar had paced among the grainy glass panelled windows that spread the entire southern facing wall which exposed a gorgeous view of the strip down below. Now you can just call it "The Strip" which sounds hip and in the know. It brings the audience in. Below, a crazied display of multicolored lights provided an ironic backdrop to the darkness within. The reference to the lights at the end is great. But, it's a hammer! Hit your readers with it!

"My lord, i implore you to leave this city for you know the Wild Seven could be here any moment."

A raspy voice had spoken with deep rooted trepidation and the quiet grew still between the voice and the figure that had stood gazing out the windows at the skyline which was ablaze with fiery ever changing neon lights..
A few changes and it's already tighter sounding. Also, by bringing the spoken text into its own paragraph it brings it to the foreground as the most important thing happening, which it is, and makes it clear that it is not the Vicar who spoke.
Meanwhile in upstate new york,
Dude. No. Don't do it! :)

Switching scenes on a dime is great. It's like tight editing in film, the readers fill in the gaps an it highlights that the two events are related even though they take place far away from each other (or even in completely different time periods!)

So...

I just kind of took your work and built upon it here.
Upstate New York - Xavier Mansion We need a time period. Is this happening at the same time? In the past? It's a little hard to tell since the Wild Seven will "be here any minute" but below they seem in doubt of their identity.

A womans's voice was shouting as twigs snapped under his feet on the dusty autumn trail.

"Wait! stop! you don't want to be there!"

A hard pounding footsteps echoed in the distance and new male voice, heavily accented, cried out, rasping, as if out of breath, "I have to find it. i can't stop!" A couple of small quails scattered in fear as more footsteps dashed through the dead leaves and grass.

The padding footsteps skidded to a halt in front of a decaying mansion. "Mein gott!" He said.

"Why did you do that!?" female voice responded harshly as she skidded alongside the man. "Kurt? Look at me!" the voice commanded.

Kurt, tall for his eighteen years turned and faced the young woman who now looked hard at him with ice in her heart.

"Kitty," he said, "you know that the Chosen one is here, do not deny it" he spoke in a musical German accent, much different from his harsh yeling moments ago. Kurt's prehensile tail moved with its own inner magic as it trailed among the dead earth. "The prophecy holds true, and we know of the chosen one's powers."

"I know of the prophecy and but what if..." she broke off and looked up to meet Kurt's amber eyes which glowered intensely even in the twilight's last beam. Cool image but it's confusing. We know night comes after twilight so I read that over and over looking for a reason for the past tense reference to night time. :) "What if the chosen one is not here but somewhere else?" she finally said and awaited her friend's response which, she hoped, would be the most simplest explanation of all.

Kurt paused for a long time and then, slowly, with effort, he spoke.

"We are the wild seven, you know that"
It took me a long time to sort the dialogue out - I knew there were two yelling running people but I didn't know until after they had stopped that it was a man and a woman. It is like, the suspense wasn't that there was yelling and running, but "Are there two people? One person? What kind of person/people? Who are they? Why do I care?"

That's not a good kind of suspense. It actually gets much easier once you establish who they are so I added a few touches to give an idea right from the beginning. Remember, you want the audience to "learn Kurt's voice" immediately so it's good that you didn't resort to a German dialect (Thank You! Thank you! Thank You!) but you did establish it as early by having him shout in German. Good job.

I think the language is overall good and evocative. What I needed to play with were the mechanics which is ... pretty good really. A few passes before posting would fix most of this. Reading it to yourself aloud sometimes helps. Suddenly you hear how dumb something might now (or if you're lucky how awesome it sounds and then you need to bring the rest up to its level.)

Good first start. I can't wait to read more.

-e
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sovietxzion
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daybreakers

Post by sovietxzion » Mon May 05, 2008 2:59 am

Chapter Two

A SECRET SOCIETY

"What is the code of the Daybreakers?"a gruff voice rang out in the darkened chamber which was lit by various candles in varying sizes and shapes. They sat in caved-in or on wrought iron chandeliers.

The room smelt of ancient power beyond anyone's wildest imagination, cobwebs danced in strange shapes across the heavy beam ceilings.

A scuttling of rats were heard as footsteps shuffled while various voices rose but melted into one singular unison as the code was repeated.

"We are the Daybreakers! What we create, we cannot destroy, nor keep. Our powers become our enemies!" the voices chanted and rose dangerously before a finger was put to unseen lips and acted as a silencer.

"Good, you know the code but what of the Prophecy? You know our greatest responsibility lies in seeking the chosen one" the voice rang out somberly as the man turned around with a heavy heart, his eyes fell on an ancient and aged oil portrait of past Daybreaker leaders.

"Sir? But what about the wild seven? You know they're dangerous.. Hell they're mutants!" one voice spat out callously.

"Chas, that's enough!" the man hastily responded without turning around. Chas kept silent and adhered to the shadows which was indeed all around the stony chamber. "May it be that they are mutants but you all know our powers far supresses their own," came his icy retort while hiding doubts about the prophecy and the so-called Chosen One.

"But what of the plan? The Vicar?" a woman at last spoke with hesitation buried in her heart.

"Talia, that's enough!" and it was indeed enough to silence the woman who was known as Talia and a powerful agent of the Daybreakers but with a past that would shame a mere human.

The shrouded man looked up into the illuminated candle to his left and turned around to face the solemn circle of others, Daybreakers and Unmentionables.

"Once more, you all know the code! Repeat it after me! We are the Daybreakers! What we create, we cannot destroy, nor keep. Our powers become our enemies! Good and now Find those damned Wild Seven" he barked.
"Itchy, Rusty, Wretched, my ARSE!"- Jetfire

"I'm not gonna stick it in freja and make her see god, i leave that to the Pros... AKA freak"

"If sex is evil, I comitted a whole lot of evil last night."

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