Nightscrawlers

Asshole senior is here, Bill randomly invited his mother down (coerced mother into driving up to Mercer to pick up) for our 4th barbecue and I don't promise I'm going to make it through the evening without the potential of an assault charge.

Waking up from a night terror for the third night in a row is bad enough.

Waking up from one sobbing and being able to remember why is horrible.

Having to then run to the bathroom to throw up because of it makes that to terrible.

Finding it very hard not to cry/continue throwing up/scrape off my skin for the rest of the day? There's no words.

Today is a very, very bad day, and I'd really rather everything just went away.

My dad's country orthopedic surgeon looked at his CT scan results, went "Ack!" and referred my dad to a doctor in Kansas City. Which is where we told him to go in the first place. But, anyway, his heel is shattered. Apparently there're 5-6 fractures basically splitting the bone in half, and bone spurs sheared off. They'll have to take out his heel, rebuild it with pins and screws, shove it back in, and it's five months to heal. Plus the doctor said he'll probably have heel problems for the rest of his life.

Tuesday I have to take Kiley to get her shots, which is always stressful, then drive 2 1/2 hours down to my dad's, pick up him and my mother, bring them back to KC, get him up the steps into her house, then Wednesday get him back down the steps and to the doctor and then back to his house in the Ozarks.

And I'm getting sick for the first time in over a year and a half. My head is full, my throat hurts and my chest tickles. I better not give this to Kiley.

I always thought tickly boobs would be a good thing, Slart.

Four nights and counting. I could deal with the lost sleep. It's the raging paranoia/serious issues it kicks up I have problems with.

Dermatitis on my hands means I have to slather them in ointment and wear either two layers of gloves (cotton and vinyl) or gauze and plastic wrap. In the middle of summer. And yes, that is preferable to the insane itching and the appearance of (as my kids described it) "zombie hands."

I don't want to give up. Can't give up. Life wasn't supposed to be like this.. I'm so sad and angry right now, just too numb to do anything. Had a long talk with my doctor about something. Life wasn't supposed to be this way, like this... I don't want to talk about it. No energy and talking will do nothing.

You know how heartbreaking it can be when people you've always admired and respected reveal sides that remind you too much of the kids who bullied you and ostracized you in grade school? How about when two friends are in a dispute that doesn't involve you, you wish to remaine neutral and impartial, and one tries to rope you in and make you choose sides? How about when someone wishes you good luck, but persists in trying to sabotage your efforts? I've had about a quadruple dose of all of that in the past 24 hours. Even when severing a relationship is the right thing to do, it doesn't feel good.

Had a lot of rain camping and had to sleep in my minivan one night because it was so wet. All in all the trip was refreshing and invigorating. I've been back a few days, but the first day back I woke up sick. I'm better now and back online.

No energy for anything, not even to cry or rage about it. One of my favorite relatives might be ill again. And my sight is getting worse and worse. I can't read print anymore and have huge blind spots I thought wouldn't be a problem anymore.

but that's not why i'm posting this.

life has come to a very sharp soon to be decline and i'm frightened and sad and angry..

"Save the Children, so that they can have a chance at life!"

This is nice and noble in theory, but in practice nobody likes to think ahead, or can't think ahead. I was one of those kids long ago. Small, weak, grave condition (worse than critical), and everyone insisted I wanted to live. now i'm crying.

Nobody realized that things had an overwhelming probability of lifelong pain of all kinds, social isolation due to the stigma of having disabiliies and no properly functional "social circuitry" in my brain. i can't even interact online without creeping people out because it's just not there no matter how hard i try.

The chance of normalcy is miniscule.....and it's not worth playing the odds over. If you wouldn't gamble away all your money and your house or even your own life on a roulette wheel, it is almost criminal to "play the odds" just for a miniscule chance at a normal child. The odds are against it, and someone has to live with the consequences if it doesn't work out. The person who ended up alive.

Preemies. Those "miracles" which more often than not are not honestly reported years later and even worse people in my situation like that are absolutely frowned upon and attacked if they say they would rather not have lived. I don't even want to type about this anymore. I just typed a long list of problems that happen more often than not and erased it all.

I'm losing my sight, my hearing, I'm in constant pain, I cannot cope with a lot of stimulus happening around me. Have emotional dysregulation and lability. Lack of concentration or too much overfocus. total lack of ability to socialize. even online. just look at me here, freaking people out. Physical pain. Panic attacks. Heart problems. Sensory overload problems. Too many problems to list. And I'm a typical outcome.

The isolation really gets to me. Fuck you, planet. Fuck you, society. Save the children, what, just so you can ignore them later and blame them for not being able to live within society.

You CANNOT condemn disabled people as a drain on society when you stigmatize and marginalize and isolate disabled people whenever we even try. And the perception that disability=challenge and if the person cannot overcome that challenge it's a personal failing. Nevermind that among all humans, there are variables and no one condemns anyone else ALL the time for not being able to overcome something with the resources that may or may not be there.

And being told "I know a disabled person and they're always POSITIVE!" and "I'm sorry you feel that way." Uh huh. No one expects the general population to be positive ALL the time like they do with disabled people. Listening to people, you'd think people with disabilities were all weirdly positive upbeat clones without human variation. I don't expect anyone, disabled or able-bodied, to be positive about their life necessarily. If you're positive, that's great, but if you're upset and angry, that's fine too. We're all human, and should be allowed to express any emotion.

When you lose your car or your house, people are understanding and you're allowed to be upset and angry. When you become disabled or have always been disabled, you're not allowed to be upset or angry.

Save the children, so they can grow up to be stigmatized and marginalized in most cases and few except family (who will all die some day, leaving that person alone) and even then sometimes now, will have anything to do with the person, who may not even be able to work, and if they can work, chances are they won't be hired, and if they are hired, chances are they're the first one fired.

That's just society. it's not even approaching the experience of having so many problems. People born so premature as to be over three months early can be kept alive... but they more often than not end up nonviable as human beings. It's actually illegal in the Netherlands (I was wrong about this--it's just a guideline that's been pushed back to 24 weeks due to "advances in technology"--but "advances in technology have done nothing to prevent serious neurological problems, just keeps people alive) to keep a baby alive born before 26 weeks. They did follow up and found that there was overwhelming negative outcomes the further back gestation was, so they outlawed it to prevent people from suffering. I like that. Don't hate me for it. Don't condemn me.
Elwing corrected me that it's only a guideline, but there was a large study that did conclude outcomes get worse and worse the further back gestation goes.

"But you have such a verbal ability! That means you're fine!" you might be thinking. This is my "savant". I'm not a true savant, but it's the same mechanism that produces that ability, only to a lesser degree. I can learn things, but can't organize information properly, can't prioritize information properly.

I'm so angry someone played the odds on my life for that less than one in ten thousand chance, when nobody in their right mind would gamble their house, car, money, or their own life, for a miniscule chance at a great outcome, and an overwhelming certainty of horror.

Science and compassion went crazy some time ago, and nobody thinks about that. I can't live alone and have to live in assisted living or a home. I don't want to admit it and it makes me want to jump off a fucking bridge. Life wasn't supposed to be like this. I feel chewed up and shit out of society's ass. And oh no, this all means I'm just "feeling sorry for myself." I'm scared, frightened, going to end up alone, never have a family, never work, never fullfill any dream. And have a lot of pain and uncertain future ahead of me, only certain in its negative scope. And be told I'm just a drain on society. But it was society who insisted on the chance at life in the first place. I want to say life is worth living but it's so hard and impossible to see. I don't wish I was normal anymore. I just wish I came even somewhat close. Nonviable person.

Sorry for this ranting, i have no energy anymore.

[Edited on 12/7/11 by Threetoe]

That sounds incredibly sad, Threetoe.

I wish I could do or say something to help, but the very least I can offer is the assurance that you'll always find friends willing to listen at this place.

I'm actually from the Netherlands and I there is no such law. There is only an advice that says that children before the 24th week should not be treated, but in cases like this the parents are consulted and they have to make the terrible decision with the doctors.

And only one thing to say to you- I don't know you very well yet, but I'm glad you are here. You are good enough for me, Star and everyone else. Please take care.

Matt's head had an unfortunate accident involving my elbow this morning, so he's swearing revenge.

Tears,

Time to grab the Nerf weapons and declare war!

The girlfriend and I are on the rocks.

We're taking a break.


I honestly don't want it to end, but I think maybe it has to. We'll see...

it's not complicated, it's not hard to grasp. But every time I see you, I laugh. I won't get too sappy, I've had no epiphany. I just enjoy your company. You test my nerves, it makes me stronger- so can you bother me a little bit longer?

Losing a bunch of hours at work, fucking pissed about it

Certain someone's being a mega bitch today and I'm getting fucking tired of the attitude

Having to take codeine again and not liking this fact. However...

I've had more pain than usual in my hip since last week (due to dysplasia) and so went to the orthopedist today. Apparently I have a non-bacterial infection because of the increased stress put on the joint. Aside from hurting regardless whether I stand, sit, or lie down, it will take a while to subside, during which I should rest the joint as much as possible, or otherwise risk things getting worse.
Of course, that means I'll now have to see about selling my ticket for the open air festival next week, since walking across a field and standing around all day isn't exactly what the doctor recommended.
The money I pooled with friends to rent a van to drive up there is gone, however.

[Edited on 25-7-11 by Starfish]

No callback, so no job.

Also, just plain not coping with a few things. Joy.

I could have gone my whole life without seeing my dad's doughy bare ass.

We spent most of the day at the hospital with him. The pain meds for his surgery made his stomach bleed. Yay. However, the emergency room said his blood count was good, so he wasn't bleeding much, so it was just peachy-keen!

It may just be me, but I don't want to hear "your stomach is bleeding but it's just not enough to bother with, so just go home and don't worry about it!"

Also, the ER was a freaking madhouse. Is there a full moon?

Mystery bug had me plenty dizzy and nauseous just in time for the fire combat challenge. I hadn't even started, and I hurled, then grabbed the table to keep from keeling over in the turnouts and SCBA and said, "I'd sit out any firefighter in this condition, and certainly not have them climbing stairs."

Really, really not liking being alone.

A really close friend of my little sister's died a week ago today. Right in front of my sister. She's still really shaken up about it and doesn't know how to deal with it (she's someone who bottles up her problems) so can everyone please keep her in their thoughts? Thanks

RIP Steve Sylvester. Really great guy.

I'm sorry to hear that, hun. Of course I will. *hugs*

In relation to the reason why I may be gone from Monday...

...FML. In total. Absolutely.