Nightscrawlers

Jaydn's been 5 for an hour and 37 minutes...

For the children.

A long time ago I was in a major newspaper's front page article about a special needs preschool. They needed donations and described my situation to the public. I was a cute kid with "fluffy blond hair" and "a smile that could melt ice" and could people please donate money to help children like me?

This is a noble cause and effort. I am not down on anyone for it. Doing something for the children is a great cause.

Fast forward a few decades.

I'm very frightened for the future, been marginalized, ignored and trivialized my whole life. The disabilities haven't gone away now that I am no longer cute and fluffy. It is brushed aside and I am very afraid. You would need a phone book for all the health problems. Only mattered when I was a child.

Tried to do what I could. Donating blood. Not everyone has the stomach for it. I can't do that anymore, no longer healthy enough. Many if not most people in my situation have such serious neurological issues, not even including the physical ones, that they cannot work, cannot live independantly--but they are aware of their situation, not "blissfully ignorant".

The things in life that bring joy help to eliminate this sadness and scariness about things. My dream. my goal, is to make a difference, even small, in something I love. It means that even in this small way, I made a difference, was not forgotten about and ignored and unable to make any kind of difference. It means so much. I've been through therapy so much and the best therapy possible is to make even a small difference in something I love.


Finally figured out I wasn't logged in anymore and that' why I couldn;'t edit!

The point is that the disabilities don't go away once the kids are all grown up.

[Edited on 15/6/10 by Threetoe]

My neighbor passed away last night. I still can't believe that wonderful lady is gone.

I was two hours late to work today because I gagged brushing my teeth and proceeded to puke up my socks for a half hour. I still really hate this.

I miss the kids terribly, but I'm kind of glad they're off visiting the grandparents, far away from the Snake River.

For the first time in decades, the Snake's topped its banks in our city limits, and we have flooding. Subject for the astounding thread, perhaps, at least our house is on high ground.

Brother's in the hospital having a CT scan

fell and hit his head on friday. Still hurts now

Probably nothing but, still worried

Eish.
That's no good.... My deepest concerns and well wishes Freja.

update:

He has a skull fracture and some bruising on his brain

He's gotta stay in hospital for a few days for observation

when he gets out I'm gonna kick his ass

My uncle Henk is, from what I've heard, dying. As my sister just put it nicely, aunt Annie and him are our "back-up parents" They were always there were in times of sorrow, illness and loss. When my dad skipped town he was the father figure I could actually rely on.

He's 86. "Well, he's had a nice long run then. You should be glad" said somebody today. Fuck you.

So sorry to hear that, Elwing.

I'm so sorry about your uncle, Elwing.

So I've been accepted on my uni course, but it's looking more and more like I'm not going to be able to afford to go, I'm not eligible for any grants and loans and the banks are turning me down too ...

Today has been complete and utter ass. Yesterday was too, and tomorrow's looking like ass as well.

And my paranoia's kicked up.

Greeeaaaat.

I'm fucking done with it all, this day went from shit to good for a moment and then all the way back to shit, fuck it all I'm done, don't fucking talk to me don't mess with me, Don't even ask! I'm just fucking done with EVERYTHING, and to top it all off I don't get dinner tonight FML!

Elwing wrote:He's 86. "Well, he's had a nice long run then. You should be glad" said somebody today. Fuck you.

Agreed. Fuck you.

I'm so sorry Elwing...

A Crappy Little Poem About Football. By me.

Football, football everywhere
And too much beer to drink
Vuvuzelas! God I swear-
And chanting in my street

If England win, I'll eat my words
Wish good luck to the boys
Orange WAGs, those bloody birds
And all their screechy noise

All I want is silent night
No more fucking horns
Give me back my peace and quiet
And no more shouted scores!

Thank you, thank you. I'm here all week. It's too bloody hot. Nrrr. *derp*

Double post, but at least this is like...4 days later.

ARGH. FOOTBALL. HATE IT.

*ignores LIFE until it goes away*

Saturday and Sunday, I had to deal with Matthew's mother, who I could strangle. A few times over. And, that's one of the nicer things I have to say about her.

Matthew also pushed something at me and cut my thumb right where it bends... sooo, it keeps busting open. Luckily, it's a tiny cut, so it's easily ignored.

I also didn't realize I was out of pages in my sketchbook, so I'm irritated that I didn't have my grandma get me one when she offered.

Uncle is still hanging in there... He had a cardiac arrest 14 days ago, they needed half an hour to resucsitate him, he was declared brain dead on friday, but on saturday just when they were about to pull the plug, he started to blink his eyes when people call his name. The doctors keep on keeping him alive. I'm not sure what to hope for, I love that man but what quality of life is he going to have? Also, tante and mom are exhausted:(
I feel so helpless because there is nothing I can do:(

I have to leave New Orleans in the morning.

I'm so sorry, El. I'll keep y'all in my prayers. *hugs*

Who the hell trims their hedges at 8.30 in the morning? With a flaming chainsaw?! GTFO my life!

There's a bird right outside my window that's very lucky I can't get to it... It's only woken me up 3 or 4 times now...

It´s over for Uncle Henk. Thank you for everything oom, rest in peace.

Year anniversary of my adopted grandad's death today. Miss you, Pete.

Thank you, mother, for coming in every half hour since 8:30 and making sleep impossible.

I also happen to feel bad for Matt since he called while she was in my room, and I got all pissy with him. Him staying at work for two extra hours to help my cousin get his firecrafter wouldn't cause me so much annoyance if I hadn't been volunteered to go shopping whenever my grandma and great aunt show up... or if I'd gotten sleep...

And, even though I have to be awake, my brother hasn't been hassled at all.