Current Timeline
Cecilia: Cecilia hummed along a little with the radio as they made their way back from town. "I've decided I really like Korean," she said companionably. "So much I think I might like to go to Korea. Have you been there?"
Fabian: "I mainly traveled in southeast Asia but I know what you mean, the food is pretty excellent...although, I cannot develop a level of appreciation for japchae no matter how I've tried. It just seems...slimy in my mouth."
Cecilia: Cecilia snorted. "I know what you mean. I feel the same about oysters. The taste and the texture is just wrong. That and they made me sick once," she laughed.
Cecilia: "We should go there sometime. See the east of Asia and all that," she said, "I mean, if you wanna go with me that is."
Fabian: "Have you known me not to want to travel somewhere?" Fabian teased. "I figure we can just make a list and start checking things off, really. May as well!"
Cecilia: Cecilia smiled widely. "Sounds like a plan," she said, before falling into a comfortable silence again, thinking about all the different destinations she wanted to see.
Fabian: Fabian, however, was thinking about what Laura had told him. "Our trip to Puerto Rico helped you sort of detox from last semester, right?"
Cecilia: "Mm? Yeah, sort of." Cecilia frowned a little and began rubbing the back of her neck. "I mean, going there really made me feel a lot less depressed but in it sorta, I dunno, delayed me actually dealing with some things? Y'know there wasn't as much stuff there that reminded me of...what happened."
Cecilia: "Dai wasn't happy that I left," she shrugged. "She said I was 'avoiding my problems' and that I'd 'have to learn to deal with them eventually.' I was sort of a bitch to her when she said that. I told her I'd deal with it when I was good and goddamn ready to and when she asked if seven years would be convenient for me I just...walked out."
Fabian: "…You realize that's not really the most productive way to talk with Dai, right?" Fabian asked, just a bit tentative. "But I don't see that it was so much avoiding the problem in that juncture but you can sort of see why she'd be concerned about that. Removing yourself from a situation gives you some time to see it, however."
Cecilia: "I do know when I'm being a bitch," Cecilia said, raising an eyebrow. "Contrary to popular belief I am somewhat self-aware...and I did apologize to her for that. But in my defense she does know where my buttons are and if she pushes them like that on purpose she can't expect me not to react. Hell, she does that to get a reaction sometimes."
Cecilia: "She was somewhat right though," she admitted. "All that wasn't gonna just go away after a few months in the Caribbean...and it didn't. I've had some problems coming back here but I'm dealing with them as well as anyone can expect, I think."
Fabian: "I wouldn't expect anyone thought it would, least of all you...but...okay, I'm just going to say it, but don't get angry with her for telling because it was only out of concern for you, Laura mentioned what she walked in on."
Cecilia: It took Cecilia a few seconds to process all this and actually think of a response. "Fuck."
Fabian: "I'd rather hear it from you though because there's a lot that can be inferred from seeing but you'll know better than she would, obviously."
Cecilia: Cecilia bit the inside of her mouth hard to stop herself from saying something she would regret later. Don't shoot the messenger, don't shoot the messenger... you're still thinking about it! "I did exactly what she said I did. That is, if she said I tried to kill a sim then that's true. I was gonna and then she walked in and I changed my mind," she blurted out. Well, there wasn't much point in lying now was there?
Fabian: "…Breathe, Cee." Fabian arched an eyebrow at her a bit and smiled. "I was angling more for details on things than what the basic facts of it were. I figure Laura's astute enough to give me the general set-up."
Cecilia: "I don't -" she sighed, exasperated, and pushed a hand through her hair. "I don't even know what the hell I was thinking. When I look back on it now my logic was just so skewed and it makes no fucking sense at all. I just...I think I was just frustrated and angry and guilty about a lot of things and I just had to take it out on someone. So, I decided to take it out on a sim."
Fabian: Fabian obviously knew there was more to it than that and just waited calmly for the rest of the answer to arrive.
Cecilia: "...On Quent's sim," she elaborated, watching Fabian's face closely for his reaction. "'Cause I was the most angry at him?" she tried, not sure if that's what Fabian wanted to hear.
Fabian: "So you're trying to target your frustrations. Is it about things you had wished you had done then?"
Cecilia: Cecilia shrugged. "I don't know, does it matter what I wanted? I didn't do it. The opportunity passed me by. I never killed him and that's it. At the time I thought it might be possible to capture him alive...to catch them all alive. I really believed we could do that. That'd we'd prevail, even as things got more and more hopeless, even as we started struggling to keep our own heads above water. I really thought we could turn things around."
Fabian: Fabian sat back in his seat, driving along at a slower pace. "Cee, you know you did everything you could in the situation, right?"
Cecilia: "I know I did," she said, tensely. "I'm not stupid. I know whatever guilt I still feel is irrational and everything that happened had very little to do with me. That's not what's bothering me."
Fabian: "Then what is it?"
Cecilia: She gestured wildly. "God! Where do I even begin?!" she said, expression livid. "If I had to pick, the main things that keep me up at night are that we were screwed over so badly that we couldn't help anyone - let alone ourselves - and that Quent wasn't brought in. Those things bug me the most."
Fabian: "We did help people and ourselves. Just because it wasn't absolute isn't any reason to dismiss what was done, Cee. You might not like it but that's how it is. Ideally, yes, it'd be best if he was brought in...but that doesn't really explain why you're trying to kill a simulation of him."
Cecilia: "We're damage control at best," Cecilia said bluntly. "SWORD's the real superhero team, they're the ones that have the intel to be proactive and actually make a measurable difference. We're not heroes - we're just clean-up - and I was naive to think otherwise."
Cecilia: Cecilia thought for awhile. "I wish I'd been the one to take him down 'cause it would've absolved me," she said finally. "If not in other's eyes - though it might've in some cases - then in my own."
Fabian: "Cee, every kind of thing like this is damage control. The cops are damage control, armies are damage control and yes, SWORD is damage control. So please, you need to stop that stuff right there. If you want to to devalue everything you've done then I don't know how to help you there because that's just...bad."
Fabian: He frowned, sighing and turning onto the interstate. "And there is nothing to be absolved for, Cee. Nothing."
Cecilia: "I was accused of protecting him more than once. I did you know that?" she said, staring out the window at the glowing red taillights. "More than once...like people thought I cared more about Quent than I did about Cass or Jamie or John." She laughed. "But you know what the sick part is? I did. I mean, I didn't care about him more than my classmates, not after I found out what he really was. But I did mourn him."
Fabian: "They're still full of shit." Fabian said matter of factly.
Fabian: "Let me give you a scenario." He started off. "Lets say Johnny came up to me and started saying it was my fault he got fed on. Is it?"
Cecilia: Cecilia laughed wildly at that. "No!" she snorted. "Hell no, he should blame the people who did that to him. If not then he should blame himself for his own stupidity. I'm sorry but a lot of what happened to John and Jamie was their own fault. I mean, who the fuck goes out and tries to take down a telepath with no psychic powers to back them up? I might sound like I'm blaming the victim here but that's practically asking to get caught."
Fabian: "Then why are you trying to blame yourself for similar things?"
Cecilia: "Like I said, I did care about him on some level," Cecilia said, guiltily. "Somewhere deep down I hadn't stopped being his friend completely." She swallowed hard. "That's what I feel bad about...I don't feel sorry about bringing him in and befriending him. I was far more isolated then than I am now and there was no goddamn way I could've known he was a freak. He didn't have a sign on his forehead that said: 'I kill people!' I can't be held responsible for that."
Fabian: "Of course not, and you're not being held responsible. You shouldn't feel guilty; that's what I'm getting at." Fabian wondered why they were arguing the same thing here. "And I don't think you should feel bad about caring about what happened to him. It was...shit what he did but you know there were reasons for it too though he wasn't right."
Fabian: "On some level I'd say he was similar to me but he made different choices."
Cecilia: Cecilia felt a chill settle in her guts. "By 'different choices' I hope you mean you didn't sell people to a cannibalistic cult once they'd outlived their usefulness." Her eyes slid over to Fabian. "Nobody knows that. I haven't told anyone how I felt about him. Not even Dai knows that."
Fabian: "I had the chance to keep going with what I was doing but I didn't. Quentin had an option here of perhaps come over to our side but he did not." Fabian shrugged. "I'd work up to telling Dai because, really, there shouldn't be guilt there."
Cecilia: "I'm not sure how on board he was with the whole thing," Cecilia admitted, troubled by this. "We'll never know now either...there's so many things I wanted to ask...but now I can't. Just like before...that's why I wanted to catch them mostly."
Cecilia: She shook her head. "Maybe...I find it easier to confide in her than most but there's really only one person who I trust absolutely in this life."
Fabian: "You trust me then?" Fabian asked, just wanting to hear it and get it established in the conversation.
Cecilia: "I was talking about you, señor. " Cecilia said, sliding a hand onto his knee and giving it a small squeeze. "You're my best friend and I trust you with my life, mi heroe. You should know that."
Fabian: He gave her a smile and squeezed her hand. "So you can trust that the suggestions I'm making are for the best and aren't anything you have to defend yourself against, right?"
Cecilia: Cecilia just studied him shrewdly. "I believe you have my best interests in mind...and I really doubt you'd deliberately hurt me...though I have a feeling you're going to tell me something I don't really wanna hear."
Fabian: "You have things that you really haven't dealt with that it's time you've dealt with so it doesn't just layer." Fabian started. "Part of the reason you take blame and give yourself guilt about things is that the guilt's all ready there."
Cecilia: "You mean it's not the church's fault?" Cecilia said, faking incredulousness. "And here I thought all my problems were caused by the large helping of guilt I was served with my sacrament."
Fabian: "Cee." That was all Fabian was going to say there.
Cecilia: "Fab," she said right back. "I do the best I can. I was eleven at the time. How well does anyone deal with any tragedy bigger than their crush not liking them back at eleven? Believe or not, I was a pre-teen girl once."
Fabian: "You're not listening to what I'm telling you and I'm not going to do this again so nevermind."
Cecilia: "I am listening to what you're telling me," Cecilia grumbled. "I just... don't like talking about it. I'm not saying you're wrong. I do have to deal with a lot of things more throughly than I did before 'cause a lot of shit was never really put away properly."
Cecilia: "So...you're right," she said, reluctantly. "As usual. Does that please you, mi amor?"
Fabian: "I can't say much for your attitude, honestly." Fabian said honestly enough.
Cecilia: Cecilia slumped down in her seat. "Neither could my principal," she said glumly.
Fabian: Fabian simply turned for home, letting her stay in her state for a while.
Cecilia: Once her mood had improved a little more she sighed and shifted a little to look at him. "Y'know, I could only take that from you...you have a lot of nerve walking into my life and fixing my shit. Sometimes I wonder who the hell you think you are, but then I remember that I love you and you do it 'cause you feel same and then I feel a little less angry...just a little," she added.
Cecilia: "So…thank you. For putting up with my shit and trying to help me with it too. I know I'm not an easy person to live with but you manage somehow...and I'm very grateful for that."
Fabian: "I was born with nerve, I was never taught to shut up so I don't think I learned it." Fabian smirked over to her. "And you know you're not angry with me now, admit it. You're easy to take; lets remember the kind of people I have lived with, after all."
Fabian: "Lets not make this like the last time we've had a similar talk, though, yes?" He asked, sounding quite hopeful actually as he pulled into the garage. "I know you try but you know what I mean."
Cecilia: "I am mad with you, jackass. I'm really mad," Cecilia said, though she was smiling too widely for that to be true. "No, we won't have to have this talk again 'cause this time I'll actually listen to you and not shut you out."
Cecilia: "So, would you care to spend the rest of the night with me and the seahorses? Or do you have a pressing engagement with Walt?" she said, smirking slightly at that.
Fabian: "Well...while Walty and I are so, so close I think I'd really prefer to spend the night with you, my sea-babies, and Janet."
Fabian: "...does Janet know I refer to the seahorses as my sea-babies?" He stopped, thinking that over and how strange it must seem to the uninitiated. "I am really stranger than I realize, aren't I? Seriously though, Wally Beaver and I are absolutely besties. I think I'll make up a secret handshake and try to teach him."
Cecilia: "Well, I'm glad you like him so much. He needs someone to defend him in the event I decide to choke him a little," Cecilia said, getting out of the car. "Look, if he's a real downer all the time you can always just hang out in my room. You're always welcome...something I'm clearly not in your place these days."
Fabian: "Luckily his opinion only matters to himself. Don't let him push you out of the room but lets stick with your room for the night. Maaaaybe we'll get lucky and Janet will want to go see Mayday anyway."
Cecilia: "You mean maybe you'll get lucky," she snorted, coming around to his side of the car and winding an arm around him. "We're not confined to our dorm rooms. We gotta whole campus to explore. You always said I should be more adventurous."