4/25 Instance: Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny

[tears~fall~like~glass]

timeline: current


Fabian: Fabian frowned as he squatted low enough in the passenger's seat to actually see the menu. "You know, I can never remember which of these damned things has what. I just need something with a crapton of bacon. I want a pig to have been killed solely for me. I am disappointed hamburgers aren't actually ham at this point so there best be enough bacon to make up for this."

Fabian: Sean must have doubled up on the mix for his brownies because he was starving. "Make that two. Rachel do you know where we can get a pig?"

Rachel: Rachel wasn't entire sure how she'd ended up driving the pimpmobile, but it was happening. Apparently, McDonald's was happening, too. This was something she totally approved of though. Pigs and bacon also made the acceptable category because she needed food. Not only did she need food, she needed a mcflurry. Ice cream and brownies were just meant to be.

Rachel: It took her a moment to realize the window needed rolled down, but when the barrier had come down, the first words out of her mouth were, "I need two pigs, and a margarita mcflurry."

Fabian: Needless to say the person was confused and needed that repeated. "Pigs and booze, woman, pigs and booze! Two pigs and a margarita mcflurry. You know, I never knew America was cool with booze at a drive-through, learn a little every day!"

Rachel: She had leaned back in the seat while Fabian shouted at the magical voice box over her and groaned when the voice asked to have the order repeated, "Just giiiiive meeee... twenty mcdoubles, two large fries, and a margarita mcflurry..."

Fabian: "Is there two pigs in twenty mcdoubles? Or are there two pigs in every mcdouble. I need to know my serving size of pigs...sometimes Cee says I'm going to get fat and I think Sean's pot's helping. All the brownies in the world are a part of me on some atomic level."

Rachel: "I'll eat whatever pigs are leftover," Rachel sagely nodded as she eased the car up to the window, "Everyone tells me I'm way too skinny. Like, anorexic skinny... But I'm not. Because we ate all the brownies."

Fabian: "We ate so many brownies. Oh, we're moving, do they keep the pigs inside as well? That doesn't seem hygienic but I guess they probably don't let you pick them out alive from the pin, do they? Not like lobsters from a tank." Fabian's face turned serious for a moment. "Lobsters have always concerned me."

Fabian: "They know the secrets of the sea and they could pinch important things off in a second. Lobsters aren't to be trifled with." There was the window and bags being shoved through as the person at the window explained, hiding their laugh, that they simply didn't carry margarita mcflurries.

Fabian: "That is...that is...uncalled for and unpatriotic I'm sure!"

Rachel: A look of displeasure crossed Rachel's face as she stared into the mcflurry they had given them instead. This was unacceptable. She just could not handle this right now because she needed a fucking margarita mcflurry. Slowly turning her head to stare at the woman in the window, she cast another glance down at her mcflurry before throwing it back into the place, "Your pigs can have it because you mcfucked up!"

Rachel: She started to drive away when she realized they hadn't paid and threw it into reverse, digging some money from her pocket to throw. In the process, she'd grabbed her phone and waved it around, "And, I'm calling the police because not having margarita mcflurries should be a crime!" As she said this, she hit the first person in her address book, bringing the phone up to her ear, and drove away once more.

Bobby: It took Bobby a while to realize what the hell the noise was, then when he did he flailed for his phone on the nightstand. Fuck! What if it was Hope?! Looking at the screen, he frowned, blinked, then when his eyes focused he cursed again. "Yeah? What's wrong? You okay?"

Fabian: Fabian, although he had burgers, was having an epic flail as he saw Rachel on the phone. "You can't call the cops! They'll think I'm Yo-Yo Rodriguez and then shit will happen and we'll be in jail! I don't like jail, you have to shit with other people!"

Rachel: "Shut up! I'm trying to talk to the police!" Rachel hissed at him, though she wasn't all that quiet. She started to turn her attention back to the phone but paused to ask, "Did they remember our fries?"

Rachel: Oh, right. The real crime... "So, did you know McDonald's doesn't sell margarita mcflurries? What kind of bullshit is that? You totally need to, like, send the fucking police to arrest them all... and their pigs. Because that has to be, like, animal cruelty or something..."

Fabian: "If you get me put in jail I'm going to think really annoying songs really loudly. It's a small world and you'll never get away from it!"

Bobby: Bobby listened to all this, blinking slowly. "Raaaeee? What'cha doooin?" By now, Lorna was giving him the bleary eye from her pillow.

Rachel: "I'm going to Burger King, and they will give me a fucking margarita mcflurry," Rachel answered into the phone as she pulled a u-turn in order to get to Burger King, creeping through the parking lot toward their drive-through.

Bobby: "How much have you had to drink, babe?" Bobby flopped back onto the pillow and threw his arm over his eyes. "And have you kidnapped baby Jesus?"

Fabian: Fabian had decided to eat his worries though he did look up at the mention of Burger King. "I want a crown! I don't think they can give mcflurries though. Maybe they can give us margarita kingflurries, or burgflurries. I don't know but they don't sound as good."

Rachel: As she stopped in front of the menu, Rachel checked the backseat for baby Jesus, "I think... I think it's Paige's turn to have Jesus... or I lost him. Oh my God, Fabian... I lost my baby," she twisted around to look at him, slightly alarmed at the idea. However, her concern didn't last very long as she commented, "Their slogan is 'have it your way', and I want a margarita mcflurry..."

Rachel: The voice crackled over the speaker, and she realized she had no idea what she wanted as she turned back around to eye the menu, automatically starting, "Um..."

Bobby: "I don't think that's what they mean by have it your way..." Bobby rolled over and put his phone on speaker. This was too good not to share.

Fabian: Fabian did not hesitate with his request. "I want a box of your crowns! Also I would like a whopper with one of the crowns on top of it."

Rachel: Her jaw dropped as she finally found what she wanted on their menu, and she dropped the phone to point, "I need five of those." Bacon shakes were totally needed and better than margarita mcflurries.

Bobby: There was a clatter and a thump and an accented male voice yelling about crowns in the background. He nodded at Lorna. "Always knew he was a queen."

Fabian: "Oh my god yes, that looks like ice creamed orgasms right now." Fabian made a grab for the phone though. He needed to get the police off of their trail. "Look, we don't want no trouble, we're just average citizens who are very concerned about mcflurries and the anti-American behavior of McDonalds...even though I am not American...don't deport me."

Fabian: "Will you pinkie-swear not to deport me?"

Bobby: "You're drunk, Fabian. Go home."

Fabian: "Noooo, I don't want to be deported! I'll bribe you."

Rachel: Leaning over to press her face to the other side of the phone, she asked, "Will you pinkie-swear not to deport me too?"

Bobby: "You're American, Rae, I can't deport you, unless it's to the emo hut." He nodded at Lorna again. "We need a tape recorder." Clearing his throat, he started again in a more authoritative tone. "Are you attempting to bribe an officer of the law?"

Fabian: "I'll give you half of all of my burgers." Fabian said as seriously as he could manage...wait, why did the cop know their name. "Are you watching us?!" The tape recorder found itself soon dug out at the boathouse.

Rachel: Pulling up to accept their crowns, burger, and shakes, Rachel gave the window a suspicious look, trying to scoot up in her seat to see inside. "Quick! Give them the burgers!"

Bobby: "We are always watching..." He grinned at Lorna.

Fabian: "TAKE YOUR BURGERS!" Fabian pushed Rachel out of the way and with his free hand started chucking the mcdoubles through the drive-thru window. "Accept your bribes and we shall be at peace!" He looked at the phone though, and frowned. "Wait...Bobby? Oh crap, Rachel, you called the government!"

Rachel: While Fabian threw the burgers, Rachel took the phone back, quickly saying before hanging up, "I'll call you back! I have burgers in my pocket!"

Bobby: Exchanging a look with Lorna, they both burst into laughter and he threw the phone into a pile of laundry.

Fabian: Fabian hung out the window looking for choppers. "We've got to go, they'll be here for us in no time!"

Rachel: Dropping the iphone into the cup holder, Rachel tried to squeeze out enough to reach for the bacon shakes. They needed at least one before they made a run for it. Oh, wait... "We need our crowns first!"

Fabian: "Please, you can keep our bribes if you give us the crowns and the shakes." Fabian tried to look completely reasonable as he made the deal but even he was surprised when they got crowns and the shakes. Just as long as they left it was worth it to the people working. "Gogogooooo!"

Rachel: Flooring it at the order to go, the car jerked, and they were off to the next drive-through. Well, did Sonic ever count as a drive-through? Rachel didn't know, but surely they could hide from the government here. "...Tater tots. We need soooo many tater tots."

Fabian: Some Sonics had drive-throughs but maybe they should wait them out. "And shakes, I need ice cream." Fabian put his crown on and remembered he actually did have ice cream and started spooning his bacon shake on in. "This surprisingly works." A true sign of how stoned he was if ever there was such a sign.

Rachel: "How is it surprising?" Rachel asked after ordering their food, reaching for a bacon shake of her own, "It has bacon."

Fabian: "You're right." Fabian looked down in wonder, gnawing on his burger and deciding to give his shale a crown as well.

Rachel: Deciding she needed a crown herself, she reached over for one, placing it atop her head. She also decided she needed fries and pulled a few from the Mcdonald's bag, dipping them in the bacon shake. "I think I love food like Eddie loves hearts."

Fabian: "Aren't hearts food for him? Maybe you love hearts but you just don't know...I don't think I love hearts, seems tough yet juicy in all the wrong needs." He was really over-thinking the heart bit if there was going to be any chance of enjoying his shake. "So, we have to poke the button for sonic, right? Or are they all ready listening?"

Rachel: After a moment of seriously considering this, Rachel agreed, "I think you're right... Also, I thought I pushed the button." In case she hadn't, she reached to push it, sharing, "I require sustenance of a potato variety because hearts do not sound appetizing."

Fabian: "However we want our young to be strong so please provide us with any hearts you have and we'll at least try it!"

Rachel: Rachel released her hold on the button, brow furrowing as she shot Fabian a concerned look, "...What young?"

Fabian: "I may have seahorses on the way. It's all very confusing but I'm not ready to get married yet."

Rachel: "...I'm not either... I don't think. I mean, again. Not again. Maybe," she shook her head, "I don't have seahorses either."

Fabian: "My seahorses are in transit. They're for Cecilia's birthday." Fabian nodded happily and proudly. "I'm going to try and name one Ferran I think but I'm not sure she's sold on that for a boy."

Rachel: "...Jesus came pre-named, which is lame," Rachel commented, oblivious to the fact that the carhop had arrived with their order, "Paige and I need something to name."

Fabian: "Well, Jesus overcompensated by getting a shit ton of other names, I mean, Emmanuel? My middle name is Manuel, maybe I'm Jesus." Fabian noticed the carhop. "Give unto Jesus your tater tots and hearts!"

Rachel: Holding her hands out expectantly for the food, she simply said, "My middle name is Anne. You clearly win."

Fabian: "If Jesus ever went by Anne it would be strange." Fabian admitted, looking a bit sad for Rachel. "You can be one of my disciples?" He grabbed at the tater tots once they were close enough. "Jesus is pleased with your offerings!"

Rachel: "The disciples were like badasses with gifts, right?" Rachel wondered as she accepted the offering of food, looking around for a prize. She grabbed another crown from the box and shimmied from her seatbelt to lean out the car window, placing the crown on top of the carhop's head, proclaiming, "Anyway, you can be a disciple of Jesus, too!"

Fabian: "Now I just need ten more!" Fabian cheered through his tater tots. "And yeah, kickass gifts, maybe we're secret disciples...I suddenly feel really bad about not going to church. Maybe we should go to confession sometime. Priests probably get hungry in those booths."

Rachel: "Oooh, let's go see if we can find any at Steak 'n Shake!" Rachel exclaimed, peering down to see Fabian as she was still hanging out the window. Her brow furrowed momentarily as she considered the concept of church. She couldn't remember the last time she'd been. "...I think Paige does that every week... I should ask her... or we could just get them all milkshakes..."

Fabian: "...milkshakes. Milkshakes are by far the superior choice." Fabian pointed on towards the road. "Onward to more food. We probably should share some of this, anyway."

Rachel: She slid out of the window and back down into the seat, fixing her seatbelt before shifting the car into drive, finding the exit. At the concept of sharing, she shot him a disapproving look, "But... But... What if we need it for more bribes? Or what if we get trapped in the pimpmobile...? We could starve without it. Also, if we're getting trapped, I need onion rings."

Fabian: Never let it be said that a Cortez was overly generous when given the chance not to be. "You're right, we've got to think for the future." And with that Fabian started to squirrel away food in the glove compartment. "Where can we get onion rings from a drive-through?"

Rachel: "With the milkshakes at Steak 'n Shake," Rachel sagely nodded, as she definitely knew where to onion rings. Especially at this hour of the night. Pulling into the parking lot, she made her way around to the drive-through, looking to Fabian, "...Aaaaall the flaaavors."

Fabian: "Peanut butter banana, this is the clear winner here." Fabian smiled, quite pleased at the idea of bananas and peanut butter at the moment. "They have hotdogs, too...hotdogs sort of weird me out but I suppose bananas are my phallic food for the day so I don't need them."

Fabian: "Where are we going to store the other shakes?"

Rachel: "...Are there cup holders back there?" she asked, vaguely gesturing to the backseat before relaying Fabian's request as well as settling, "Aaaaand, I want a strawberry banana shake with a regular order of onion rings." After confirming the order, she pulled up to the window to retrieve their shakes, "Where to now?"

Fabian: "They'll melt though. We need a cooler...or we can crank up the air conditioning as low as it can go and just wait for winter...we should go to Canada." Fabian pondered where to go to next, then he saw the drive-through man. "What is your hair?"

Rachel: "Winter is coming," Rachel giggled, though she abruptly stopped when she caught sight of the hair in question. Then, it was a matter of containing the giggling.

Fabian: Fabian just stared wordlessly at the man with the most pronounced Flock of Seagulls haircut he had ever and would ever see. He swallowed hard and found his words. "...can I touch it?"

Rachel: She had finally managed a relatively straight face, but she completely lost it at Fabian's question, throwing the car into park while they waited for their shakes, the guy in the window simply staring at the pair, wide-eyed.

Fabian: "Please?" Fabian was all ready starting to climb over Rachel to reach the magnificent hair. "Rachel, you know you want to, too. Touch the nice man's hair."

Rachel: Throwing the car into park as Fabian began his journey to the hair, Rachel looked between them and debated whether her and Fabian could fit in the window of the car, eventually nodding, "Well, if you insist..."

Fabian: Upon seeing the two pulling themselves up from one window the besieged Steak and Shake employee did the only thing he could. "I want no part in your hootenanny!" The drive-through window swung closed, leaving Fabian pawing at the glass.

Rachel: "Noooooooo!" Rachel lamented as the window slid shut, blocking them, not only from his fantastic hair, but from the food. Scooting to peer around Fabian, she reached out to paw at the glass, too, as they prepared the food. Those were supposed to be her onion rings. After taking a moment of silence to honor the tragedy of no milkshakes or onion rings, she snorted, "Hootenanny..."

Fabian: "I just want to pet you!" Fabian protested, but then snorted alongside Rachel. "Hootenanny is a strange, strange word...and makes me think of the South."

Rachel: Looking over to Fabian, she grinned as she asked, "...You know what comes from the South?"

Fabian: "Deliverance?"

Rachel: "...Yes." That was something from the South. "You know what else that's terrifying and from Georgia?"

Fabian: "I'm afraid I don't...but I'm afraid now." Fabian admitted, sliding back into his seat.

Rachel: Her expression went serious, and she sagely nodded once more, "You should be... Because Honey Boo Boo." That was all the words she had on that topic, as it should describe everything wrong with the world.

Fabian: Fabian looked properly terrified. "No."

Rachel: Losing her serious expression, Rachel began to snicker once more, "Honey Boo Boo hootenanny..."

Fabian: Fabian's opinion changed right after hearing that. "Yes! Where?"

Rachel: Forgetting their shakes and onion rings, Rachel put the car in drive once more and headed off, declaring, "Wendy's!"

[steyn]

This is a work of art.